honeytreescoconutleaves

3 months.

the letting go

has become the only forgetting i can surface

swimming in these sea\'s of me

i was beautiful wasn\'t i?

yet my body declines

and i feel it

the rushes

like a high that only

my mother\'s capacity could reach

so gracefully malicious 

i question what i am good for every single time

i felt your hands where i wished they waited

as I listened to your broken heart, beat after beat

he must have known.

when his fingers were dipped inside me

sinfully

searching for honey that would not

come for you.

making me feel less intelligent than in pain

i know what beautiful is.

it\'s not what he saw me for 

i\'ve never felt so pleasantly in pain

my heart has aborted every try of love

not this time

because he was not love

my body took it in with the wind i\'d love to call a tornado

more alike to the hurricane of our hearts 

because

he was destructive

so a hurricane with him

along with a lifetime worth of late nights talking to the moon

aren\'t i still beautiful, i ask

and he answers

\"You cannot forget him\"

unanswered 

but yes,

I searched for me in you.

the only thing that stopped me from seeing you through

seeing you for you

not for him being trapped in my past

he isn\'t trapped here, not in my soul or in my heart

where most dwell

it might be the saddest thing that has had to happen

where life comes from is where he is imprisoned

i paint an alluring picture for him and me 

of the times of me and him

i tremble yet so fearlessly

as i look in the mirror of our past

it is questionable

the thought of falling for a tiny part of you

mistaking it ever so lightly for the whole

many spring nights i let out silent tears 

fighting to breathe between cold sheets

where he could have been

but the \"should\" is what really kept me awake past not 2 but 4 am

i might haunt myself more than what should be haunting me

did i deserve it?

i tell him this to answer my questions

you are the cheapest form of snakeskin

i only had to shed you once to rid of you enough to last me a lifetime

you are the blackest coffee that i drank straight

but i am the darkest liquor you choked down in a burning pain

sensationally i assumed it tasted smooth

not for you

every exquisite detail of your face can be awed by anyone but me

and when sleep comes for me on these summer nights

i dream for the first time in a short lifetime i have so endlessly lived

i began something

which ended with you

6 months later

i don\'t have to thank you

for creation

is god\'s will.

and fate will be yours.