My Greatest Regret

Confidence...
is something I do not possess or ever have
Not because others have put me down
But because I have put myself down
Thoughts run through my mind 24/7
Why can't you look like her?
You're so ugly?
You're fat! You need to lose weight!
If you looked like her people would like you better. You should be disappointed in the way you look.
After feeling about that about yourself for so long you start to believe it.
You become it.
You let it affect you.
I have never felt pretty or assured in the way I look
I do not know what it means to be confident
I don't know what it feels like to love my body and feel "sexy"
Society has set forth standards

Standards I have tried to meet but desperately failed
I wanted to feel about my self so bad
I tried losing the weight
But I couldn't seem to lose it fast enough
Time goes by and I'm still not satisfied
I skip the occasional meal
Then I skip eating for a day
A day becomes a week and weeks become a month
And so on
My mom catches on
Makes me eat
I started gaining the weight back
Slipped out as soon as dinner was over one night
Crying as my head hangs over the toilet
Trying to drown out the sounds with running water
Burning in the back of my throat
Left with a disgusting taste
Brush my teeth and head back to the den
Mom is so happy
She thinks I'm doing better

But I never get better
Months later I'm depressed
There's a void that this so called beauty cannot fill
I'm left with tear stains on my shirt and ruined mascara
The thoughts have turned more violent now
All I hear is
You're stupid. Why are you here.
Why haven't you killed yourself already?
The world would be much better without you!
You're ugly. You're still fat.
No one could ever love you.
No one would notice if you died
There's not a night that goes by that I don't cry myself to sleep
I have been sad before
But I have never felt anything like this
This sadness reached into my soul
All I wanted was for this all to stop
I wanted to end the pain I had endured
This year had felt like 10
How is it possible to feel so much pain in so little time
My family is gone
They went shopping but I stayed home
I wrote down everything I wanted them to know
Why, and that I was sorry.
I wrote to my mom
I told her that I was sorry for being a disappointment
I told my brother that I was so proud of him and that I want him to be happy
I told my dad that I wish I could have gotten to know you more
I sat in the floor
Contemplating on the bottle of pills in my hand or the knife in the other

As I sat in the floor I cried my eyes out
I heard this voice yelling inside my head for me to stop
But all I wanted was to die
I was tired. Tired of living such a meaningless life.
But I listens to the voice.
To this day that is my greatest regret.