dissociation is fucking wild
it’s just a part of your brain
checking out as a way to cope
because everything around you
just hurts too much
and of course
when i was 10, 12 years old
i had no idea that dissociating was a thing
i only knew that for months at a time
who i was a person
didn’t exist
i didn’t feel real
the only thing that i felt
was a deep hollowness
that went down past my guts
and into the very marrow
of my bones
so cold
fear and lack of sleep
because i killed myself in my dreams
and it felt so real
the only time i felt real
is when i made myself bleed
and so i did
again and again
and the vivid memory
of my therapist watching me go
through a box of bandaids
to cover the red mess
of my left arm
as i told her that i heard voices
in my head that weren’t mine
and saw things that
weren’t really there
and she told me i was
so nonchalant about it
and i laughed
because of course i was
how else was i supposed to be