its scary to think about how back in 9th grade i thought i would never see the day i was happy.
its scary to think about how back in 9th grade i never thought i would live to see the day i graduate high school.
i always said if things get so bad,
if i fail,
if i no longer make a difference in the world or any ones life..
i would kill myself and give up.
in 9th grade i didnt think i would live to even see my first day of junior year.
sometimes i still think to myself if i hit rock bottom..
i will die but that all changed...
life went on..
but here i am still terrified to graduate and grow up because to be honest...
i dont know if i can do it..
i dont know if ill be able to pull it off..
go to college,
pass with a certificate or associates degree,
pay my phone bill, clothes, student loans, an apartment, car bills, gas...
i still dont even have a steady job yet.
ive only had one job.
if i could i would take a year off and get a job and save my money so i can start paying for things little by little.
back in 9th grade and 10th grade i just couldnt imagine my future..
i couldnt vision me living long enough to even write this poem let alone going to college and growing up.
im not sure if i can grow up and be an adult all on my own successfully...
because i cant rely on my dad all the time.
there will come a time where i wont have him there by my side when i need him and i wont have anyone to ask for help.
im terrified that im not going to grow up successfully and proud.
im afraid im going to fail thats why i said in 10th grade i dont want to go to college..
because im afraid.
i wish i could go back to being a little kid.
if i could i would die...
i would kill myself for a day and then wake up the next day..
and thats where my get away in plattsburgh takes place in my life.
sometimes i wish i could go there and not tell anyone and see if anyone cared i was gone.
i went to new jersey for a day..didnt tell alot of people..
but no one even bothered to ask when i came back.
i asked how many people asked where was i or even if they noticed i was gone.
and only a couple people asked and noticed but thats my point...
no one cared enough to wonder if something happened because im in school every single day.
i would love to go somewhere for a week..
and see how many people actually cared that i was gone