Hello you’ve reached the interactive voice response blues
All calls will be recorded for disciplinary purposes
Doesn’t matter which of the following numbers you choose
They will all be put through to our terrible services
Now let me ask you questions for our security
It helps if you have recently done your family history
Tell me what was your mother’s favourite maiden over?
Thank you now did you ever go to a school in Dover?
Ok tell me the name of the first girl you called pet?
And the third digit of the password you always forget?
Well done you you’ve now passed security
We’ll put you on hold for the rest of eternity
Your call is so very unimportant to us
Who wants to hear about all your fuss
Well anyway here’s some Fleetwood Mac
On our tea break, will answer when we get back
To let us know whose best placed not to deal with you
Please press one, two or three
We don’t give a toss you won’t get through
Eventually someone will answer you see
I’m terribly nonplused about your wait
Now just for security can you tell me the date
And the hour of when you were born
Plus the 83 digits on your card would be great
Hello my name is Vijay sorry I mean Shaun
How can I make your life a misery today
Sorry our computers have all gone down
Can you visit our branch in the neighbouring town?
Anything else I can’t help you with today?
Before you go can you complete our survey?
You’ll be asked to mark us between 10 and 9
A wonderful big fat bonus will then be all mine
Goodbye!