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The Retired Bloke

IVR Blues

Hello you’ve reached  the interactive voice response blues

All calls will be recorded for disciplinary purposes

Doesn’t matter which of the following numbers you choose

They will all be put through to our terrible services

Now let me ask you questions for our security

It helps if you have recently done your family history

Tell me what was your mother’s favourite maiden over?

Thank you now did you ever go to a school in Dover?

Ok tell me the name of the first girl you called pet?

And the third digit of the password you always forget?

Well done you you’ve now passed security

We’ll put you on hold for the rest of eternity

Your call is so very unimportant to us

Who wants to hear about all your fuss

Well anyway here’s some Fleetwood Mac

On our tea break, will answer when we get back

To let us know whose best placed not to deal with you

Please press one, two or three

We don’t give a toss you won’t get through

Eventually someone will answer you see

I’m terribly nonplused about your wait

Now just for security can you tell me the date

And the hour of when you were born

Plus the 83 digits on your card would be great

Hello my name is Vijay sorry I mean Shaun

How can I make your life a misery today

Sorry our computers have all gone down

Can you visit our branch in the neighbouring town?

Anything else I can’t help you with today?

Before you go can you complete our survey?

You’ll be asked to mark us between 10 and 9

A wonderful big fat bonus will then be all mine

Goodbye!