i don’t know how to
make the pain of
my father’s abandonment
stop hurting
this is a wound
covered by a flimsy scab
prone to cracking
and seeping through the dressings
i have so many questions
and no answers
all this speculation
years of blaming myself for
his not knowing how to
not wanting to
be a father
be MY father
and i was just a kid
telling my classmates that
i didn’t even have a father
because he lived states away
while that void grew
bigger and darker inside me
and it has been nearly
three years since the last time
i saw my father
even though we live in the
same goddamn town
but this is not the first time
that contact have been lost
it just never started again
since i stopped reaching out
and finally put myself first
where my father is involved
just because you’re someone’s
father doesn’t mean you’re a dad
and i can’t remember when i stopped
seeing his face when i thought
of having a dad
but it’s been too damn long
and it feels strange
to even call him my father
but that’s about as informal as
i can get without calling him
by his first name
ya know?
and maybe i’m just
searching for closure
an apology that will never come
that reassurance that i wasn’t a bad kid
the promise that it’s not my fault
and maybe if those things are
said with enough conviction
by the right person
at the right time
i’ll believe them
i just want this
to stop
hunched over at my desk
crying until my lungs hurt
wondering what i did wrong
i was just a kid
i was just a kid
and i needed a father
i needed a dad
but i won’t force him
to be my father
to be in my life
because he clearly doesn’t want to
doesn’t know how to
and all i want right now
is to find a way for
the wound that this prolonged
cycle of abandonment left
to stop bleeding through my shirts
i want to stop seeing his face
whenever i look in the mirror
i want to stop asking myself why
i want to stop blaming myself
because i was just a kid
i was just a kid