i do suffer...
i didnt realize i lash out to ease the suffering and i do get frustrated easily...
but i need you to stop pointing things out that i said and excluding the context around it.
i swear when im mad but its not like im calling you an asshole or a bitch.
im just emphasizing my point.
its like being shocked and saying \"what the fuck\" your emphasizing your point on how much your shocked.
i told you i would be ok.
i told you its no big deal to tell me in text.
it was just a simple question.
you have asked questions about stuff ive done with other guys and ive said ill tell you later and you told me you would rather have me tell you now in text so your mind doesnt assume and wonder and assume the worst thing possible.
thats exactly what i tried doing.
i wanted to know when i asked because it was just a question that popped into my head.
\"did you have sex with (shall not be named) last night?\"
i wanted to know for the same reason youve asked me in the past...
so my mind doesnt race,
it doesnt assume,
it doesnt assume the worst,
so my mind doesnt wander,
so i dont stress about it and when you didnt answer my question several times ive asked..
i assumed you did and i told you im assuming you did and if im wrong please tell me.
i said that twice and i told you i would be fine to know over text because even if you did..
it wouldnt hurt me.
i didnt need all that love and reassurance then because i already know and youve reassured me in text before so to me it wasnt a big deal.
it was just a stupid question.
you couldve answered when i asked but you kept dodging the question and i kept saying its fine...
but then i calmly told you im frustrated and id like to know and id like to know before i lash out and get frustrated and when i told you im frustrated thats when you told me.
you couldve told me when i was calm and this wouldnt even be happening.
the way you described our conversation left out so many things.
it gets me fucking mad because your pointing out the things i said when i lashed out...
but what about the way i calmly said things before??!!
the way i tried to fucking communicate with you...
saying i would be fine..
no big deal...
no you have to fucking point out the angry things i say all the fucking time and dont acknowledge the context.
i cant do this anymore.......
we switched roles over text.
before you had asked me about things but insisted i tell you so you can be mentally ok...
thats all i was trying to do.
i wanted to know so i could be mentally ok and i wouldve been ok with any answer.
thats why i asked through text.
i know i shouldnt have swore at all but its not like i went batshit crazy.
i cant do this anymore.......
we\'ve started fights because i lashed out,
because i misread texts,
yes i admit it...
we\'ve also started fights because you have misinterpreted texts!
yes we both start fights..
but the fights that bother me the most that make me want to give up and walk away..
are the fights that ive cleared up when you thought i was frustrated and angry when i wasnt but you kept thinking otherwise!!!
and this time i tried to warn you that i was starting to get frustrated and to just tell me because is no big deal.
...heres how the conversation happened...
(me: did you and (blank) do anything last night?)
(him: well thats direct. i was gonna ask if you wanted to talk quick anyway. ft?)
(me: im watching something on youtube but ill take that as a yes then.)
(him: are you okay? you sound upset)
(me: yes. i am just watching youtube but im going to take that response to my question as a yes, unless im wrong then tell me.)
my input: here you can see i was ok and i asked calmly and just wanted to relax and i told him i assumed it was a yes and if i was wrong tell me.
(him: im happy to tell you but id prefer to have those kind of convos on the phone and this morning you suggested we talk quick anyway, we can wait until after the meeting if you want. itll be late though. it might be nice to talk now, once your done with what your watching.)
(me: its just a yes or no. it just popped in my head and id figure id ask because ive asked before and youve given me answers before over text so i just figured it was no big deal.)
my input: here we can see im fine and its no big deal. we\'ve given answers over text before when i was no big deal.
(him: yeah its no big deal...)
my input: ok then just tell me.
(him continued: but remember we said before we should try to talk about things not in text and ft about them if we can? so im just trying that...)
my input: yea but this isnt a big deal.
(him continued: like if we werent gonna talk anyway but i was thinking we might have a chance to talk. if you dont want to i can text you but. are you ok with that? if your not in a good mood then we can talk later instead.)
my input: everythings still calm but still not answering my question.
(me: its frustrating me that your not telling me. i am letting you know i want to know...)
my input: i calmly said im frustrated and i just want to know.
(me continued: thats why i asked since its not a big deal. i really do not fucking know why you can not just tell me things. like this situation does not need to be talked about because you told me it might happen beforehand...)
my input: he told me beforehand and now if i had never asked i wouldve kept thinking they fucked when they didnt. wouldnt anyone like to know if they assumed wrong? yea thats what i was trying to figure out.
(me continued: so its not a fucking problem. what is frustrating me right now is that you are not telling me and by you dodging t9o answer i will assume yes and if i am fucking wrong id like to know.)
my input: wouldnt anyone think the answer was a yes is someone dodged your question? ...yea exactly
(him: ugh. no, we\'re getting together later in the week instead. ill ttyl.)
my input: theerrreee weee gooooo. see i was wrong and im glad he told me i was wrong or i wouldve been believing false info.
(me: ok thats all i wanted to know. thank you. you couldve told me that the first time.)
my input: i fucking said that calmly and said thank you let me say again.. i was fucking CALM when i said that!!! it does not sound angry or frustrated right??
(him: please stop. ill talk to you some other time.)
my input: ..... sorry excuse me? what the fuck?! i was completely calm after hearing the answer and he gets distant out of nowhere.
(me: what do you mean please stop?)
(me: you have questioned me several times about this over text and i said we could talk later but you wanted to know so you dont assume and your mind doesnt get all worked up...and the one time id like to know something so my mind doesnt get worked up you get this fucking way???!!!
(me: seriously goodbye.)
my input: i was just trying to emphasize my point. ive said this multiple times that thats why i wanted to know.
(him: i just wanted to talk to you. youve been ignoring my emojis all day and now your swearing at me. go do whatever you need to do and we\'ll talk a different time.)
(me: you are literally being a hypocrite right now...)
my input: the way he described this part was that i called him a \"fucking hypocrite\"... i did not use the word fucking when i said hypocrite... so #1 your wrong and you added something more negative to it and #2 when he described the convo.. as him: \"are you okay? me: \"seriously goodbye\"... it clearly fucking missed a whole bunch of shit in between.. thats NOT how that went down at all... so get your convo facts straight!
(me continued: you have questioned me several times about things over text and i said we could talk later but you wanted to know so you dont assume and your mind doesnt get all worked up...and the one time id like to know something so my mind doesnt get all worked up you get this fucking way???!!! i know i sent this twice but im trying to get my point across.)
my input: i literally sent it twice on purpose to get my point across.
(him: and for the record ive asked about other dudes plenty of times and had you tell me we\'d talk another time and then you\'ve waited days to tell me. so knock off the double standard. i explicitly told you id be happy to tell you. i just wanted to talk on ft. stop shouting at me.)
my input: yea ive asked about girls, we talked, youve asked about guys, we\'ve talked...ive also asked over text and you told me...youve also asked over text and ive told you.
(me: just answer my question next time...)
my input: yes i was getting rude then.
(me continued: you couldve just told me when i asked completely fucking calm but the moment i said im frustrated you tell me?)
my input: (no comment, rolling my eyes, shaking my head)
(him: please stop texting me. when you\'d like to talk on ft, let me know. enjoy your day.)
my input: hes never acted this way so it was clear he was distant and aggravated and frustrated and upset... upset about what?! me swearing? im not swearing at him its not like i said asshole or dick or something. i swear to emphasize my point like \"completely fucking calm\" \"its not a fucking problem\"
(me: goodbye idk when ill talk to you because i tried to tell you i would be fine if you told me over text when you couldve just told me and non of this would be happening and even if you did fuck that bitch i wouldve been like \"oh yaayy how waaassss iiit?\" but no you DID NOT listen to me when when i said its no big deal... a yes or no will be fine.)
.....and thats the end of that conversation....
today may 23rd i apologized for swearing and anything that offended him but to be honest i dont know if we will be the same.
i cant do it anymore...
i cant do these fights anymore...
we agreed to not have them anymore but we continue to have them..
and we both say shit like \"well you couldve said this\" \"you shouldve phrased it like this\"
we both do alot of that...
and we cant keep doing it...
so should w just take a few more steps back then we already did?
here i am a few weeks later...
finally typing this.
it still makes me angry about it.
it makes me more angry to know itll happen one day again.
just thinking of him twisting the conversation of leaving out the rest of the stuff but only including his kind words and my angry words and putting them together to seem like thats how the convo went when it fucking didnt...
its making me want to give up still because this isnt the only time hes done it...
.... the next time he does this..
...i think im letting go...