i still don’t know
if i have been able to properly
express the sheer terror
of being seven years old
and realizing i liked girls
but that i
myself
was not a girl
words like homosexual
and transgender
did not exist to me
and were adamantly not
taught about in schools
this lack of knowledge
not knowing that i could
be anything beyond that
six letter word on
my birth certificate
the only conclusion
i was able to come to
as a scared child
was that i must
have been a
freak
there was something wrong
with me and within me
feeling my guts twist
every time i was called
a girl and not knowing why
it hurt so bad
and now
as a young man
i am able to find words that
downplay this nine years
of confusion and turmoil
shaping that pain into
something that is palatable
i do not have to do this
nor should i be expected to
but it is easier than saying
i was hellbent on destroying
the body i had because it
was not what it was supposed to be
it is easier than saying
i was willing to die
as a girl
if that meant the pain would stop