Sterilite Tubs and Reflections

That doesn’t hurt anymore

Right now there’s only a few things that add up

And far too many things that make me cry

The first snowfall hasn’t even come by

The holiday season has yet to kick off

Yet it feels exactly like it’s the days on the calendar

Of the years I can’t remember

And why does it feel like I walk through hell annually

And why do I always come out stronger

And why does that exterior melt off every year

Exposing wounds I thought were no longer raw

I can’t even look at it now

It’s like a pond

But instead your reflection is every single person and thing you’ve loved that’s left

I can’t fit my pain into one place

It’s always bleeding like ink into my everyday life

When the sterilite tubs come out

And the stringed lights and wreaths are unpacked

It’s like a week before that

Multiples of unlabeled plastic containers

Because even everyone around me can identify

The pain and existential crises come out

It wears strings  like lights

And illuminates to display my darkest moments

I curse at the stars

“You gave me this pain, you follow me like a shadow”

Sometimes I want to skip the annual memories of the pain

Don’t wish me luck, I don’t need it

I need another life