That doesn’t hurt anymore
Right now there’s only a few things that add up
And far too many things that make me cry
The first snowfall hasn’t even come by
The holiday season has yet to kick off
Yet it feels exactly like it’s the days on the calendar
Of the years I can’t remember
And why does it feel like I walk through hell annually
And why do I always come out stronger
And why does that exterior melt off every year
Exposing wounds I thought were no longer raw
I can’t even look at it now
It’s like a pond
But instead your reflection is every single person and thing you’ve loved that’s left
I can’t fit my pain into one place
It’s always bleeding like ink into my everyday life
When the sterilite tubs come out
And the stringed lights and wreaths are unpacked
It’s like a week before that
Multiples of unlabeled plastic containers
Because even everyone around me can identify
The pain and existential crises come out
It wears strings like lights
And illuminates to display my darkest moments
I curse at the stars
“You gave me this pain, you follow me like a shadow”
Sometimes I want to skip the annual memories of the pain
Don’t wish me luck, I don’t need it
I need another life
t.b.