People think that Liverpool is a somewhat interesting city
Famed for the vibrant sense of humour of its inhabitants
(on those occasions when you can understand them, that is),
And for its celebrated public buildings like St George\'s Hall
Where you can hear a nice symphony concert by the city\'s orchestra,
The Royal Liverpool Philharmonic (who are quite good really
especially when they play high-class things like Carl Davis film scores
and Paul McCartney\'s \"Working Classical\" rip-off pastiches).
And of course there are the bloody Beatles whose baleful influence
Permeates everywhere - why the local airport has even been renamed
The John Lennon Airport, which affords air traffic controllers
Throughout the Western World a good laugh at the city\'s expense.
Liverpudlians are famous for their self-pity - they think that everyone
Is against them and that life is really unfair just for them
(and in this respect they are indeed most percipient);
And the fat Liverpool girls are famous for getting totally rat-arsed,
Dancing around their handbags on the bars of city centre pubs,
Their pallid naked legs exposed under tiny white faux-leather skirts,
And sleeping with anyone who offers them a free pint of beer.
But there is a darker and more evil side to this vibrant city of culture
(and that is not a joke, it really was appointed just that, what a joke,
obviously the judges never saw the inside of the lift at the Adelphi Hotel,
awash with vomit after a local football match has taken its toll).
O woe is me, O woe indeed, how the memories come flooding back:
I can barely bring myself to recall the terrible night my nephew Derek
Met his horrific doom as the result of an innocent misunderstanding.
Young Derek and I were in the changing room of the swimming pool
At the municipal arts/leisure centre and bingo hall at closing time,
Trying not to breathe too deeply, thus hoping to avoid inhaling
The ghastly odours of the users\' socks seeping from battered lockers,
When he accidentally brushed against a fellow patron of the facilities.
This hideous and brutish creature drew himself up to his full height
(which meant his arms swung clear of the filthy tiled floor for once)
And accused Derek of being a bumboy (viz. trying to feel up his hairy arse).
Immediately, poor Derek was surrounded by a gang of Everton fans
Who had been having a pissing competition in the kiddies\' play area;
Those reprobates tore his helpless body to shreds, hurling the bits into the Jacuzzi
(thereby blocking the ventilation ducts and causing it to malfunction)
While (rather wisely) I ran away as fast as my manly legs could carry me.
Dear God, I shall avoid any further visits to the mighty metropolis
Situated on the noisome Mersey (and that goes for Birkenhead
and Wallasey whilst we are on the subject as they\'re dumps too).