I have come to a novel, fresh conclusion about why I am so close yet so far away from where I need to be...
I think it is something inside of me that has created this black cloud that I have imagined to be lingering behind the threads of my success..
I have fallen prey to the shadow of doubt that I once insisted was no longer able to exist..yet here I have gone and recreated it on my own...
Criticism constructed in the solitude that I was forced to climb into over and over again in the past year..All I could hear inside of my head were the vague excuses I came up with for lack of a better thing to do..I was stuck no matter which way I turned to..
Paying off some karmic debt from some aeon that left me without memories..perhaps it was something that I rid my mind of immediately ..knowing that I would never want to fathom it again..
These things come back to bite us in our asses out of absolutely nowhere every single time..I have learned not to wallow in my own pity nor waste time in the land of whoas me..why oh why have I swallowed a fly....perhaps I would be better off if I believed I would die.. You all get where I\'m going with tbis one ..right??
Every night I fall asleep feeling restless and insanely uneasy...I am so afraid to end up alone and afraid..why would anyone ever opt to put themselves there deliberately by becoming a contestant of a reality show?
Because they aren\'t really alone at all ....and tbeir only fear is of not being the last one standing ....going home without a check... It\'s all very tragic and silly to me..
I am free now to take my life in any direction that I choose to ...and I have been right here way too many times before...
A revolving door lies up ahead to spin my ass around fast enough to smack me in my tired face..and on the other side of it I would be willing to bet that something sinister is still lingering there just waiting for me to come blindly back around...
3/2/2020