Some people think that Helsinki is an exciting city,
Full of life, full of fun, full of gorgeous Finnish birds
With blonde hair (top and bottom with a bit of luck);
However you need a bank loan to buy a drink in a bar
(but you really can\'t have everything I always say).
Yet there is another side to this Nordic paradise
Believe me, I know; I am still recovering, dear reader,
From the hideous horror I encountered there last year.
I was in the city on Midummer\'s Eve, trolling near the Old Harbour,
With my ugly hairy Auntie Betty, a kindly, gentle old soul
(albeit physically a not terribly appetising sight,
what with her suppurating spots and short bandy legs),
When a gang of fat smelly drunken Russian tourists,
Full to the brim with extra-strong Finnish vodka,
Descended upon us and, being strangely attracted
By Betty\'s plainness, chipped yellow teeth and catastrophic breath,
Grabbed her and shoved her into a convenient rubbish bin,
Before rolling said garbage receptacle into the waiting water.
And they left the poor cow there floating in the harbour,
Gurgling like a clogged basin in a public toilet,
And I watched fascinated as the bin and Betty
Sank down inexorably into the murky depths.
O dear God, I shall not be going to Helsinki again
(unless I can persuade my elderly pansy cousin Edgar
to accompany me thence, as I wouldn\'t mind seeing
the silly old faggot take a one-way trip into the Baltic,
since I am named favourably in his Last Will and Testament)
And in any case too much laughter is bad for me.