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Peculiarly Lauren

Transitions Of The Heart

I\'ve got what is medically known as the \"birthday blues\"

I haven\'t had a normal birthday since I was 19. And no I don\'t say this lightly. 

I was Sharing a room. A \"sorority\" you can call it. 
at the time all I cared about was boys and how many friends I could have. I was bullied in school but I didn\'t care as long as the body count was high. 

But I did have one friend. We\'ll call her Ham. Ham had a way of making me feel less lonely about the world and I felt lonely most of the time. Ham although suffered from bouts of depression and she\'d share her struggles, so did I. 

I think we all knew there were some issues. While I was bullied. A lot of the girls would remind me that it was because I was pretty. Maybe a little more attractive than Ham but I always tried to include her with everything and anything. I guess at the time at that age, at a young age I didn\'t understand.

And although I felt like not a lot of people liked me. The girls-the sorority got together and scrounged up what they could for my birthday. I remember Ham saying \"I\'m gonna go take a shower I don\'t really feel good\" and her leaving only to be gone for an hour or so. She had mentioned she was feeling sick. We all waited. One of the girls asked for me to check in on her to see if she was okay so I did. 

I was the first to find her. I\'ll leave the bits and pieces out. But once she went away and I had nothing but nightmares. I knew she would be getting the help she needed. But when the cops showed up. 

to ask what happened. They found a letter with my name in it saying I was the reason why she didn\'t want to live anymore. Because a boy she liked had told me happy birthday while passing us in the hallway on campus. 

it\'s been a few years long depression and I\'ve tried to make sense of why I get so irritable or so upset when this day comes. 

maybe in my mind she died.

But hopefully one day I can forgive her. Like the transitions of the heart.

or like the transitions of my mind.