the precursors of mourning have already begun -
the shadow is fleeing:
the eyes no longer show signs of glee -
where there were once two diamonds
in the skull\'s sockets... are but ambers of
dying frenzy -
these are the precursors of mourning:
it\'s heightened since
a daughter is crying: her son is pretenisouly
solid - a harsh connotation...
she herself has said: by tomorrow you should
probably leave the house and let
me do my girly \"thing\" and wallow -
a girl tells a boy he\'s not supposed to:
as much as he might want to allow himself
to also tow along some tears: he\'s not supposed
to...
seems like: perhaps i was a boy then...
and the beloved dog of the family died
and one were allowed to weep over so much
animation and nuance in a bark:
but soulless the essence died... nonetheless...
even then... the man who is about
to die ventured to restrain himself in giving
me the news when i was having a sleepover
since: boys don\'t cry...
it\'s funny-numb: it\'s teasing tears that
are not supposed to be shed...
in the last years of his dementia he would still
remember... that same dog...
a mongrel-esque tease of an alsatian
by the name of Bella -
me, him and the dog taking long
walks... me climbing trees
the dog barking up the tree out of concern...
he couldn\'t remember details
of the lives of his children...
but me being the solo grandchild...
well... aren\'t i just fucking special...
- and yes these past years i already witnessed
his death: we were once the graveyard
hyenas as i took him for a walk...
to his mother\'s grave... to his grandfather\'s grave
and he would also say:
this is where the two josephs with lie:
side by side...
i\'m hour away from visiting
the old country: dear \"mother\" will receive me
as she always did: a comfortable sensation
when landing in Cracow...
all that is modern and horrid and competitive
and obstructive to any force outside
of its cement - Warsaw passed-by...
i\'ll travel to a little shit-hole of a town of my birth
from the warsaw western termnial:
where i will be approached by a mingling of
ukrainian \"tourists\": i\'ll probably spot one
or two mongols...
if it will be a sunny day: i will feel inclined
to savour the sensation that:
even Glasgow - at its most outer grim...
it would only require sunlight to elevate
a reaping presence of glum toughening -
such this life bestows -
lottery, random chance...
purposively agitated wills composed
of a rape / reaping of life...
until this choice plateau / plateau of choices...
it is unimportant for the lineage
of this man to have survived:
after all... i have not \"bothered\" to keep
it... rejuvenated... i had no... lineage
quest... no family name...
although... if i invoked my mother\'s
maiden name: Batuk... almost resonates
like Bathory... origins in the Czech sphere:
- and he implored me to call him
once a month to talk any sort of crap
with him - i hardly ever did:
we came to an understanding that
to talk... a conversation would require
facial features contorting, eyes...
probably some hands too...
is that a regret?
it could very well... but not
really...
i have to \"man up\"... there\'s the wait:
from the hospice to the shallows:
grave being the riddle and as he stressed
countless times: death the great leveller -
the only democratic auto- prefix:
that no one can \"just\" veto...
and by all standards of mortality -
born 1939: herr! bite bonbon! circling
around 82 isn\'t bad for a man...
it\'s already pushing the expectations...
so my tearing into a soppy-cock-blind-poodle
wouldn\'t do enough justice...
after all: aren\'t we supposed to feel less
grief for life stretched to its limits...
even he conceded his dementia furore as:
all my friends are dead...
i sleep, i eat... i shit i watch t.v. -
i still vaguely recognise a crossword
puzzle... all that\'s necessary now is to
sometimes refresh myself
with a familiar face...
i do want to wriggle in feminine emotions:
still his contest:
make your heart small...
hardened to a coil and inviting
a pebble to circumstance it further:
then you will have all other details in your
grasp, grit... boiling over crescendo...
how i want to weep...
but this impeding ceremony...
his jokes about being buried in uncomfortable
shoes: how he joked about the hebrews
being buried sitting down: so they would:
upon resurrection... get up first...
and not too long ago... a year...
my grand-uncle died: my grandmother\'s brother...
etc. etc.
how he joked:
hmmph! a sarcastic sound...
this one disagreement they had:
the accusation was on the lines of:
he said that i was brought up by the communist
party (and the P.R.L.) while this...
semi-cripple of a grand-uncle... one footed
with the lost foot a ghost limb:
after this daughter had a miscarriage:
newly converted to god, church and the law &
justice party mantra...
my grandfather will die: negating
any communist party affiliation...
so much for Poland per se...
what could possibly need to happen...
next up on the chop-a-block of: inevitable...
my grandmother...
and isn\'t that going to be a woozy...
a new definition of division...
my mother a daddy\'s girl...
my uncle a momma\'s boy...
my father? abandoned by his parents
is beside stoicism:
i\'d pinch a suggestion
at psychopathy - now news of death:
just this... working up to cul de sac certainties...
hours from now and i\'ll be
bed-side at the hospice talking
to a vision of a corpse not yet formalised...
to exercise the final testament of
his nigh...
- point being...
his death is what i was anticipating...
at the end of this rainbow is
the death of \"my\" tongue...
travel to Poland to speak some nativistic first
coming?
with strangers?
lined up they die and i will not need
to... that\'s probably as it always should have been:
i can\'t imagine engaging in
anglo-integration projects
where the tongue is first to die:
because: i\'m sikh turban pronounced standing...
i could easily be mistaken for
a german: and that\'s hardly a compliment...
i have been a german many a times...
- but to be prescribed so much deadening
energy: for the most appropriate masculine
traits... unfathomability and a fortitude of
changelessness -
a sternness and a bleak blind certainty...
i wish i could allow myself the same...
mollusk-esque softness associated with
a pet dog dying:
perhaps i should focus on...
a vessel of a memory of me making this
world all the more hostile and
unfathomable...
from noak hill across three country parks
i ended up in chigwell row...
i admired the sensation of
feet forged to a marathon walked...
i muttered the most inaudible:
find me more aloof... more secluded...
let me join the ranks of those
already sentenced to the base reality
conundrum:
that death is a liberty and that...
i have no fear of dreams per se...
otherwise: thank whoever it is i have
to thank for the least of my talent being
exposed:
there is no: go gently into that good night...
blindness for one...
is not the cobweb of smoke
and mirrors of dementia: the latter...
i have to cherish the exactness of my
gargoyle face to keep these last remaining
tremors of life being gifted with:
an old curiosity...
i will not rhyme what\'s already
a technical matter...
that i want to wed my eyes my breath
with that of death impeding
and find him there: old joseph batuk...
while my father was \"missing\" from
me aged 4 through to 8...
because the western lands
required brain / labour drain...
i was the one who punctured his
bicycle wheel when he was engaging his
last days in employment...
that he was a drunkard from time to time:
well... i sure as shit
out-competed him...
i became a bigger drunk than he
ever was... yet by the vanity in me
owned... and by the diabolical belief
in the hebrew demiurge:
i teamed up with project focus
and spew such details... from time to time:
that it is somehow still only about me:
is because... i believe in being
reunited... in the sacred phlegm of Hades
were i have possession
of the most essential faculties to
entertain eternity:
but i no need for anus...
or for gluttony therefore no need
for taste...
i won\'t be needing these bollock sacks
or an islamic sacred garden harem
to satisfy my death-robbed blues
of unexcavated potentialities:
i want to catch death with its 21 supposed
grams...
how i meditated death of late
by merely walking: expecting to
chance myself with harp and
plough...
that i am forever reminded:
to be sitting on laurels...
as ever... to write this belittling of such
little... to be sitting on laurels
is to write poetry:
when one is expected to churn
out expectations with hammer, sickle...
and the brood\'s best interest...
of which: i can disclose none...
therefore to dance a romance with death:
i want to be there at my grandfather\'s
second birth...
when there\'s a fathoming for
a necessary eternity while he\'s my post-stamp
collector: which he was...
where so much of a year
is me and him preoccupied with
months upon end
admiring neptune...
sending vagueness via postcards
on sunbeams:
first came the atom bomb...
then the tightening cipher of a corrected
explosion in the variant of a beam...
of photons...
terribly accurate scientific verbiage...
if only my hometown assured me
a life in his line of work...
in metallurgy... well... the town collapsed
and so my father had to emigrate...
would be tree-chopper destined
to canada: stalled in england... present day...
death so... what a fine word in
quasi-germanic...
english...
it sounds so much more horrid
in slavic: śmierć...
no amount of diacritical elevation...
should the same word resurface in
ancient: Ruś...
смерть...
smerts! fucking \"smurfs\" and all...
death o noun too hollow...
and if i didn\'t believe orthography existed
in english: only spelling mistakes...
well...
death \"contra\" deaf...
is very much akin to:
morze: sea -
może: maybe...
but i implore to be forgiven:
since the english tongue doesn\'t employ
any diacritical markers:
from either above or below...
i never thought more of expressing
nuance, regarding it...
as the base: \"spelling mistake\"...
hell... to elevate such mistakes
to orthography status...
you imply i might demean all
that... metaphysical jargon focus...
a. g. barr\'s ice cream soda...
probably the only sort of drink
worthy of culprit memory...
mine own impressions
are mostly associated with soviet-esque
lemonades...
and turbo-chewing gums...
as boys we were supposed
to have this hunger for:
machinery tip-toe penis envy
cunt magnet:
ol\' grandfather and me...
i liked to test horses for a gallop...
he would... tease some others with
an apple and a sugar-cube...
a life so completed but having
to leave one so fucking empty...
i don\'t care if death is so benevolent in her
praises of justice:
as blind as deaf and as tongueless as
she wants to stress herself to be...
i will not dare to cry...
perhaps... a year from now...
when my own presence in this world
is gravitating toward a new assemblance
of anonymity:
when... already...
my neighbours are hollow ushers...
imps and diabolical idling...
at the hospice i want to see death
give birth...
i want to be this fairy-godmother
of clingingness and
obstruction...
fazing...
for the ode of inbreeding
nuances of genes: which he didn\'t mind...
when he would reserve a stash of
newspapers for the \"quasimodo\"
that above him dwelled...
and how he would celebrate the antithesis
of inquiring for scissors...
slit lick and itching for a scratch...
you can\'t work around
having to employ cipher! not now!
the daughter cries for a father:
yet she\'s so estranged from him nd was...
this supposed: for the life to be bettered
by her offspring... mr. uno!
no... she\'s crying out of nostalgia...
i\'m wanting to cry from...
a memory of me is about
to die within and with someone
nothing this world can compensate
me with...
collateral: lizard skins and hardening...
stone baron...
furthering of life is \"nuanced\"...
if this is the precursor of
son burying mother...
etc. in that quadratic...
i most certainly want to play
the role of coroner...
burning of bacon...
from the years 2004 through to 2007...
the summer escapades...
bicycle... fishing...
a man can become this completeness
in a memory that cannot be shaken...
obstructed with...
how i abhor readying myself for the
ceremony and the wake...
how the death of my grandfather
is less than
the grief already testified by his daughter:
my mother...
and how my father is this...
fucking limbo rubix cube of cipher
decipher cipher decipher...
numb...
when i supposedly burry
my father i will have to borrow burrying
someone else...
but before all that:
i want to chase death and laugh:
you\'s one siding antithesis shadow!
you\'s a shadow!
ha ha! i want to become this
inglorious... fester...
as to how death is defeated...
it\'s appreciated too literally...
it needs to be...
i can\'t allow death its grandiosity of
metaphors and church / clerical whimsical churns...
death is death is...
the beauty of the scents of autumn...
- yes, now that i\'m scouting for excesses
of freedoms: i bemoan all those
readily cherished...
i have attired myself a beside:
this grievance of a \"patriarchal\" supposition...
by no way blinded
this lost excavation posit...
death of \"one\" nearing the focus
stresor of selling... bubblegum...
death has to achieve a stature of mediocre...
so human yet so debased from man...
if i were to burn upon the pyre
of pagan worship... that death might
impart onto me a wizening...
a detail left in an obscurity of creases...
after his death i might \"finally\"
read Zły - leopold tymrand...
which i probably will: given how mediocre
all of knausgaard had to become:
celebrating flaubert\'s madame
bovary...
here is a detail and a corner...
a slab of death\'s riddle:
stone bound... epitaph thus missing;
but the immediacy so focused
upon a serenity of disclosure...
here lies the emblem of
the last carousel of life...
best kept impossibly immobile...
to lessen the creases...
and how one might...
appease the harems
of woo...
with french poodle jarry yoddles...
no one is to wed themselves
to my \"unearthng\":
sooner...
this poor rabbit blind...
en route toward my escapist
foundation furore....
to be \"happy\" is to be hardly
conceiving of... being...
inquiring...
to be happy is to be: dumb dumb
dumbfounded:
lost for words...
a limitless \"etc\"...
fucking dim-wit... yeah...
last \"things\" i wanted
from the concept of completeness
was... \"happy\"...
for fuck\'s sakess with happy...
i don\'t want to be happy...
i want to be happy....
i want to be \"sad\"...
as long as i remain inquisitive!
i die or precusror: and therefore:
\"button up\"... i might fidget with
the nimble crow for all
that the curation of:
that requires the edible...
regal overtones overthrows
a h\'americanana... of
a lasting... impossible... first...
and there\'s a \"thirst\"...
and then there\'s a \"drowning\"...
and an expectancy of
the... great... h\'american way\'vre....
veer into nill! q?!