i’d like to take you,
journey thru memories-
places i know exist
that you’ve never seen-
that old school yard
where i was the caterpillar queen
and galloped around on pretty, pretend
pegasus’ and unicorns,
where i learned to fly without wings of my
own.
i’d sit you on that tire swing
while i twirled in the middle,
teach you the chant,
“faster, faster, we need another master”
then switch.
i’d bring you home,
let you help me fill my little yellow
wheelbarrow
with carolina pine cones
and rake leaves when autumn comes.
i’d move you to the swamp land,
show you how to test for alligators
and how to stack the chair on top of the box
on the bench,
hook your foot in the loop
and swing out over the bayou.
i’d show you how long the move to
california would take,
show you my room where i’d sneak out
the window
and the pool with the fake jaws in it.
i’d show you the slide where i broke my nose,
the cul-de-sac where i first had my heart
broken in two,
but also had coke wars 1,2,3 and 4.
i’d show you how we would jump off the roof
like superheroes
or go explore the neighbors backyard,
the magical fruits we had never heard of
and climbing up those towers to see the
world.
i’d take you to the beach
where i lost myself.
i love the water, but that city stole me,
i ain’t ever been the same
as that day we ditched school,
did some lines
and talked about every and i mean
everything.
that was the same house where my life
became a battlefield
only two years before,
put fear i hadn’t known into my life.
also the same house where i fell in love
with a woman,
same one i deemed an enemy prior.
and it was where i met my best friend
while the other one eventually burned it
to the ground.
it was the first time i’d live without my
mother,
the first time i would go off on my own
and i don’t know what i was doing
so i got high and went to college.
it’s when my dad came back into my life,
sent me to a rehabilitation facility
and later a mental hospital,
fucking my life up further.
it’s the first time i wasn’t a student when i
should have been,
it’s where i lost my footing
and i’ve never been able to get it back
again.
it’s the time the darkness consumed me,
i had real doubt about my ability
and i let that doubt drown me.
i still can’t figure out what i’m really good at.
what is my purpose?
do i have the talent to do it?
i want to show you my broken
and have you soothe it,
take me in your arms
and prove it.
i’m preparing to jump in,
i just need a life line
in case i don’t make it to the other side.