I woke up with a feeling of warmth
As soon as my body leaves my bed I no longer feel warm
I can\'t provide myself warmth until my brain allows
But when is that
How is that I am so unfortunate when it comes to self control
I skip breakfast and run instead
Its an healthy addiction I have when Im stressed
I run about 5 times through out the day for hours on end
This healthy addiction with so many others is to only replace my past deadly actions
I run until my body aches even then I still don\'t stop
Pain is something I see differently
I feel differently
It feels like nothing but at least something
I know sometimes I talk in riddles that are hard to figure out
I guess I learned from the best
From life of course
It gives you so much to swallow all at once
You have no choice you either find your way out or be trapped
Even the easist thing can feel like a maze
I go to school
I work until the end
Then I try to get up again
To stretch
To study
To play
All healthy addictions that I try to do everyday
Even though my demons want one addiction to remain
And no its not healthy
Not in anyway
Instead its deadly and creats such a sin
A sin I used to give everything and my life too
Now clean
Some hate the word sober
I sometimes get sad out of no where then angry
All at myself
I want to cause pain only to myself
I punch
I scratch
I rip myself a part
I feel like I deserve it
Because what I deal with there is no one else to blame
I don\'t know if its from old trauma
Or simply because Im sick of myself
Im sick of having to cover my ears to blast my music until my head starts to ache
When I just want to sit and be a part of reality with everyone
Look out the window and listen to the wind and laughter to not miss a joke
To the point now I don\'t even want to get out anymore
I don\'t see a point in the simple things or a simple drive for no reason
To much comes with it
Going out comes with a price and Im sick of paying
Im sick of people having to watch what they say even the sounds they make
Im sick of my fragile self almost everyday
I can\'t even take being around my own family because Im scared to have to cover my ears
To have to blast my music
To worry about a sudden outburst or a slight mood change Isolation will be my new name
Ill leave early or don\'t come at all
Living a life seen as normal comes with a side of pain that I don\'t need anymore of
I avoid
I know I seem like a party pooper but I can\'t help not standing to be in one place
I have became so paranoid I rather run with my head space
To stressed to bothered all because of what
Living?
I ask myself what is it that has changed
I answer
You
See I don\'t understand
How? I reply
Remember you know your purpose you understand your god
You know what you actions can cause for others
Even if you don\'t believe it you would never want to take the risk to hurt anyone
You shouldn\'t even want to hurt yourself
I think to myself
Why is it so easy to forget the brightest moments
And the hopeful thoughts
I want to kill the me I am today
The me I was yesterday
The day before that
Me the year before
I want kill what is harmful to me
So I will this is the day
The day before I killed myself
But its not what you think
I simply removed the impostor of me and kept me
The real me
The truth is I kill myself everyday
I get rid of all the thoughts that invade my mind
I get up and eat
I get up and shower
I get up study or run or stretch
I go to sleep maybe late but Im trying
See the simple things kill what is draining me inside
Trying is all that matters
And yes by the end of the day
After that night the me before is dead
I hope that one day I don\'t have to kill myself again
Because there is nothing else I no longer need to get rid of
The only thing that will remain is me
I must protect me
Copyright ©2021 Tia Davis. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written consent of the author or publisher. All my poetry is copyrighted and stored in the author\'s base. All material subject to Copyright Infringement laws Section 512(c)(3) of the U.S. Copyright Act, 17 U.S.C. S512(c)(3), Tia Davis.