The thought of doing it clouds my mind, consumes me without exception,
Not a second free from my own thoughts, I\'m trapped, ambushed and eaten alive.
It hides, lingers and intrudes my pale empty thoughtless complexion,
I\'m in too deep, the depth I\'m in is endless there\'s no escape from my mindish hell.
The darkness corrodes my innocence eats away at the happiness I take for granted,
I\'m clouded, dubious and extremely ashamed of how I feel because I shouldn\'t feel, not like this.
I sit there mesmerizing over it, its daunting and disgruntling yet leaves me enchanted,
I crave it. I crave it more than oxygen, but I can\'t I cant I can\'t for I will leave my loves behind.
I ache from head to toe i yearn to do it, i want to feel the hot blood, to see it flow and pour,
It will relieve me, my demons will flow from me alongside the red river that of the phlegethon
If i dare the pain, the hurt and the numb will flow through me the end of my psychological war,
For here in my head it\'s broken, beaten and destroyed just ashes of pain and suffering.
I survive, just go through the motions i try not to think or feel the shell of a person that i am now,
I\'m just plodding on hoping to get through. I\'m stuck on autopilot.
Trying to regain control but i only know one way to do it but i don\'t wish to harm others so how?
My version everyone gets hurt and i don\'t want that.
I don\'t want my life, i don\'t want my pain yet i don\'t want to leave it for my loves either,
I do not go out to party, I do not have fun, I do not do anything, I\'m exhausted and tired.
For the battle I\'m fighting takes it out of me, no motivation to live and none to die neither.
Over stimulated, understimulated, overwhelmed yet empty longing for the pain to differ.
Im cemented by my fear to live but even more so by my urges to hurt and cause disorder,
I feed on anger and confusion, for my life is one huge empty hearted delusion.
I play the happy smile and the doing okay facade but really I\'m am emotional hoarder,
I keep it in until the pot is full, but now the pot is overflowing, I\'m all out of storage.
For me life seems easy to an outsider, but nobody really knows anything about a person,
What sadness is it they feel, what battles do they face, what is their smile hiding from us.
So how could you assume everything is ok and fine, not asking is enabling them to worsen,
Just ask us, listen to and offer a shoulder whether accepted or not we appreciate the time.
As much as I crave the pale lined barcode touch, the blood, pain and relief that i would receive,
I have my loves who ask, who listen and who offer their shoulder for me and I admire them.
For my loves i will get well i will keep battling because it has to get better that\'s what I believe,
I wish to be strong, resilient, free as my loves believe in me and I won\'t bring them disgrace.