It\'s 3 a.m.
you wake in a cold sweat
panic
as you hear the car being locked
outside your window in the parking lot
and your body doesn\'t care
if it\'s him
or someone else
cortisol, adrenaline, norepinephrine
coursing through your system
in fight or flight
a survival mechanism
you know the rules of the game
and all you can do is freeze
it\'s what you learned since you were 12 or 13
when your mother used to scream
to the point you left your own body
just to make sense of the senselessness
of a broken home and nowhere to go
-20 seconds-
-30 seconds-
feels like an eternity
waiting for signs he\'s not coming home
and he doesn\'t
and you cry
when your cat leaves your side
to stand guard by the door
when he sees your eyes dart back and forth
ears on high alert
for the same signs you\'re waiting for
like there\'s anything he could do
should it open
it\'s now 5 p.m.
living in a different city
you tell yourself he doesn\'t know
your apartment number
when that very same sound
makes your blood run cold to the core
as you sit in the study hall
and the process starts all over
it\'s been months and months since you left
but that feeling
never did.