Why am I always the problem
Why can’t I express how I feel
All the shit I write about you is loving
All I say is sweet stuff
But you make me feel dead inside
Like I’ll never do enough to satisfy you
How I look, or what I do for you
I’m never what you want
You’re looking for who I was
The girl who was so outspoken. Who didn’t love you
But pulled you along until she did fancy you
Now look.
I love you, and adore you even more
And now you don’t want me to
How the tables turn
Once upon a time I was everything you yearned for
Now you smack your head against the wall
When I’m near you
How different things are once you do love me
Do you purposely try to make yourself un-loveable?
Is that your whole persona?
The little boy with no daddy
His mummy dependant on him
The little boy who let people decide who he was
And what he spent his life doing
Who let people critique him
So he bought himself down, and me too
Like a sinking ship
Who lets the only person who truly loves him fight for his love, affection, and want
Lets her look in the mirror questioning every part of herself
Why she isn’t good enough for you
Why you won’t let her in
Why you won’t let her love you
Why you won’t stop being that little boy without a daddy
Because she’s a girl with none
She can see your broken, and loves every broken part
Scar, ache. Wants to kiss away every tear
But you won’t let her
She’s frustrated you can’t be normal about emotions
Autism doesn’t define your words
You’re more than what your mum has always said
But instead you worry
That you’re not enough
That you’re not worthy of anything good
That you’re nothing
But to her
You’re everything
You don’t show her the same
And that breaks her
Because she knows she’s never been enough
For her dad, and now you
We’re so similar but so very different
Sometimes she dreams of you
Others she wants to get away
She lets you satisfy everything you want
She lets you take everything she has
Take advantage of her, and her love
Lets her tire herself out trying to support your dreams
While you let her sit on hers
She wants to be a teacher
A woman who does something special
I want to be remembered
I want to experience an intense love
I wanted to experience that with you
But you make it so hard
You make me hurt so bad
I want nothing more than you
Than a future with you
But you make it so hard
So difficult to love you unconditionally like I want to
Love is a choice
And I choose to love you everyday
But today I regret it.
The aggression you have I understand
I don’t like it, but I understand you
How your brain works
But you make me feel like I’m the reason for it
Like you’ll take your aggression out on me
Like I’ll be hit again
Or kicked
Or worse now
Because I can take it
I can cover a bruise
I can keep a secret
Because I know I’m the problem
I’m sorry for forcing me and my love
I’ve been told it’s trouble and toxic
She doesn’t mean it
She tries to love but only ends up pushing people away
She tries to be the person he isn’t. But lets her hurt get in the way
She’s broken; she’s got scars she hides, hurt she can’t comprehend
She’s the problem
I’m the problem