I am broken
I cannot feel my body
My breaths drag in heavy gasps
As I lay in bed
Pulling my underwear and pajama bottoms up
My eyes silently pool with water
It drips down my face
Outlining it in a thin layer of the salt water.
It felt like an eternity
Till he finally left...
Oh Lord I tried to stop it
To push him away
To do anything to get him off
To relieve the weight
That even though he\'s gone now,
Multiplies.
I can\'t scream out
With my body frozen in place
When it realizes
He isn\'t leaving
My body numbs
My mind swirls into a mess
I disassociate before I can\'t control myself
And my mind leaves my body.
Tears come faster
As I continue to realize
It\'s never going to end
He\'s alway going to come back
Almost every night
And I cry when I\'m finally alone
With blankets shoved in my face
Everything hurts
And how did nobody hear?
I cry myself to sleep
Just for it to happen again the next day.
My body aches
From the pain
Of walking around
Like nothing\'s wrong
And acting like I\'m not messed up from him
How do I carry on like this?
Can\'t somebody see my pain?
Can someone please end this?
And he makes threats so I don\'t tell anyone
And he manipulates me
And changes my whole interpretation of life right in front of my eyes.
I will never be free of the scar
He left all over my mental state
And he continues to haunt me
Even though I\'m rid of that terror.
I try so hard to be free
And find myself
In a person that I barely know
That I haven\'t connected with in years
It feels so weird
For my mind to be intertwined with a body
After feeling like it\'s just my mind
With a random body I cannot control.
The shakes
The tears
All come on their own
With no warning
As my mind screams
For my body to let out any noise for someone to hear
So all this trauma stops
But it doesn\'t
And it continues to replay
For my mind to experience the flashbacks
And how he lured me in
With all the lies
And I was so naive
And already damaged
That I just believed it
And it got so tiring
To never be free
To be dragged down by him
To live in hell when he was here.
I slipped
Out of reach from everyone
Impossible to see inside
Impossible to get through the heavy, carefully placed brick wall.
While half of the days nothing feels real
Until the heavy clouds
Lay themselves upon me
But I guess I\'m getting better
Because you can\'t go any further down
Than rock bottom hell.