Feel myself again, that\'s what I want
Sometimes it doesn\'t go our way
That\'s what I\'m scared of….
Not being able to feel myself again
Emotional, emotions, motions
These motions im making in order to feel myself again
Half the time they’re unsuccessful
unsuccessful , losing, last chance
Those are scary words
So scary to the point of me losing all the color in my skin
Normal, not sure what normal is
I know it\'s something i wanna feel
I think i\'m starting to come back to myself
Awhile ago I had lost myself completely
Was so scared for so long
So scared, so sad
So far but so close
So happy but so sad
Found but so lost
So lost
Flow, the flow of everything was so off
The blood flowing from my wrist made me feel numb
Yet it was the only thing keeping me sober
“I\'m not feeling this anymore
This vibe, this happiness, this excitement
This future, this life
All of it is a fucking waste, im a waste, my prescence is a waste
You feel? Writing in this here notes thing
Doesn\'t do anything for me
It doesnt give me happiness
It doesn\'t take the sadness, anxiety, depression
It doesn\'t take any of it away” ?|?|2019
Crying, showing my emotions
I have to admit you were right
It does take balls to be yourself and cry in front of people
Crying is an issue i have
It makes me feel vulnerable
I don\'t like feeling vulnerable, it makes me look weak when i\'m vulnerable
For me “Crying is Vulnerable, Vulnerable is weak”
It\'s just something i don\'t wanna feel
These notes, these notes i\'ve been writing
Honestly
I don\'t know, i don\'t know who, i don\'t know what
When or why
What i do know is confusion, i\'m confused
The confusion brings on
Paranoia, disorientation and most importantly
The lost hope of finding who i am
I\'m not sure why but every time i write
I feel some part of me missing
A missing part that\'s been empty
For a longtime
Sitting here writing this book not only for my mom
For other people who need help turning their feelings
Into words, has really made me think about my life
What it\'s going to be like living in an empty apartment
The silence, calmness, negative space
Soon it’ll all come together
I will soon realize what it means to be truly alone
Emotions are my drugs
Sadness, anxiety, depression, separation anxiety
The time i do feel the actual strength of those emotions
Are the times i feel like i\'m in paradise
My drugs give me a strange comfort
A very strange comfort, thats familiar but also unfamiliar
These drugs truly are my paradise
As well as my way out of this ungrateful ass world
I\'m so sick of having to live as well as breath
Around these sick ass people
Drugs just need to take my ass to paradise already
I\'ve tried taking my life multiple time
I\'ve cut and i still have the scars to prove it
I\'ve tried overdosing too many times
I\'ve tried getting a gun and ending it that way
I\'ve tried to freeze myself outside during the winter
I\'ve sat in my room letting the blood flow too many nights
After nugs died, it feels as if there\'s nothing here for me now
The pain i\'ve felt in such a short time
Explains why i am the way i am now
It explains why im so mean to everyone
I don\'t want people to get close to me
One day it’ll happen, i don\'t want people to remember me
I don\'t want them to be attached so they’ll hurt from what i did
I\'ve ruined my relationship with my family
So i could disconnect from them
When it does happen they won\'t hurt over me
I\'ve really become a disgrace to my family
As well as to everyone i\'ve met in the past
To this day
I don\'t know if i\'ll ever be able to show my emotions like i used to
To this day
I\'m still scared of what lies ahead
If i have enough strength for it
To this day
I don\'t want people getting attached only
Seeing as i\'m still scared if i\'ll still be here when they expect me to
I know damn well that one day i\'ll lose my shit
Nonetheless will end up leaving this terrible place
To this day
I am scared
I really don\'t know why
I can\'t physically show my emotions anymore
My face is just too numb from the past pain i\'ve felt
From the hard ass emotions from my past
I\'ve actually tried everything but this girl
She just lightens up my day
Sometimes not even her
Not even she can put a smile on my face
Nothing seems to work
So i\'m just back to being empty
It\'s completely okay
Cause nothing makes me happy anymore
Lately i\'m not really sure what\'s been going on
I\'ve been getting anxiety on/off the past few weeks
Honestly
Might go ghost again
I don\'t feel what it\'s like to feel normal feelings
I don\'t feel in touch with my reality
I don\'t feel at home even when I am home
I\'m so outta touch with my reality
I miss being able to not force my happiness
I miss being in my room alone
In the darkness
Hugging me like it\'s never letting go
The feeling i got when just surrounded by darkness
The comfort i get in its arms
That
That\'s what makes me feel at home
I\'m still so lost
So lost
From my mind, soul, my reality
The only thing i havent lost yet is my sanity as well as my thoughts
Yet i\'m so close to losing both
A lot closer to losing my sanity than my thoughts
I can\'t really lose my thoughts
It seems like i\'m the one getting lost in them
Roses
They’re so comforting
They’ve always given me a sense of comfort
Everytime i wear one on my clothes or see a natural rose growing
I really can\'t explain how in love with them i am
If anything were to bring me back to this hell hole
It would most definitely be roses
They make me feel safe
When I’m vulnerable
When I’m vulnerable
I still don\'t know what i want
I still don\'t know what my purpose is in this life is
I still don\'t know if i\'m truly happy
I still don\'t know
Honestly
I\'m not comfortable in my own body
I\'m not comfortable with the thoughts circulating in my head at this moment
I\'m not comfortable with the place im in rn
I don\'t know what this new feeling is
I don\'t belong here
I need to get out
I need to leave whatever place this is
She sucked the life outta me
Literally
When she left, she took my whole personality
As well as all my emotions with her
Now
I\'m just empty
I don\'t know anymore
Love isn\'t worth it
With the amount of pain, anxiety, and overthinking
That comes with it
Figure out early on
If they’re worth it
Stick to it
Don\'t let it go
The moment you let go
If you were wrong
Your whole soul will be ripped from you
Your emotions, your thoughts, your happiness, your social skills
One thing that’ll be left behind is the pain
That\'s the worst part
Once that\'s all you have
That\'s all you have
It’ll never change, no matter what happens
No matter who tries to change it
It’ll still be there
Waiting for you, in the back of your mind
This song - Alone by SadboyProlific
Made me think about why I vape/smoke
The fact is it suppresses my other addictions
That are more unhealthy than this
This can either kill me slowly
The other way which has a chance to kill me faster
I\'ve been really happy recently but feeling this physical pain from tonight
Made me think about relapsing on pills along with cutting
Shits fucked up
It\'s the some of the only things that can suppress the pain i hide
Im honestly so exhausted from this pain
Both mentally and physically
Thinking about getting started to digging my own grave again
This shit lame as fuck
Somethings here
It\'s very comforting
It\'s not happiness nor sadness
It\'s not the brightness i used to feel
Infact
It\'s the opposite, its darkness
I know how that sounds
For me darkness means feeling safe again
Means feeling happy
The sense of belonging
I\'m not sure if it\'s just me
The darkness, the sadness
It brings me happiness
It truly does
Introduction
You’ve gotten through the whole book
You barely know a thing about me
Except my deepest emotions
Let me introduce myself
I’m Ashton Weibley
I\'m a 16 year old kid interested in
Video games, skateboarding, and penmanship
During this period of writing this book
I was attending Riverside Military Academy
I started this book at the beginning of the 2020-21 school year
Finished it the night of May 17, 2021
This….. This is what goes on inside
It is now December 3, 2021
Half way through my junior year of high school
In the time
I have written, finished and published this book
I have not only conquered my demons
But my deepest fears as well
If you think you are alone
YOU
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
If you think you have no one to reach out to
You are wrong
You have many people around you
That are willing to give up time to listen
If you need immediate help reach out and call
1+ (800-273-8255)