Thinking about how you were the closest thing I ever had to truly falling in love. You are the only person I loved despite my own caution. I wasn’t in love with the idea of you. I saw you for who you really were and I loved you anyway. I know so many people wanted to fix you into who they thought you should be. But not me. All I ever wanted was for you to be okay. It was what made me let you go. That’s how I know it was real love.
The two first times we kissed, it was playful. We had called each other’s bluffs. I said your flirting was “all talk,” and you proved me wrong. The second time, I got my revenge. I made it an even playing field. At least that was how I explained it to myself. But the third time. There was no game. It was dark and neither of us could see but it didn’t matter. You grabbed my hand and kissed me like you wanted, no, needed me to know what it meant to you. It felt like someone picked my whole chest up and wouldn’t put it back down. It was simple and brief but it was ours. My God, was it ours.
And I know you really loved me. In your own way. In the only way you knew how at the time.
Maybe we were just right people, wrong time. Except that’s not true, is it? Because it’s not like I want you now. I’m happy where I am and I hope with my whole heart that you are as well. I’m not sad when I think about us.
In fact, it gives me hope. Not only that someone could love me, but that I have the capacity to love a man the way I loved you. You were my best friend. My first kiss. My first love. No one can ever take that from you. We hurt each other but we were two broken children who weren’t taught to love properly. What did we expect? I’m forever indebted to you. Because of you, I will be able to love the next one better. Thank you for teaching me.