You walk into the room
and my heart stops beating.
Your presence steals the air
from my lungs and stomps on it,
I take the space I fill and dump
myself out so you can have it-
I erase myself entirely so your
silence can drown mine out.
I haven’t met you and yet you
look just like my home’s front door-
Inviting, recognizable, something
I can put my trust in when
I feel lost and out of place.
Do not be mistaken, this
is not another sweet love poem
This is where I draw the line.
This is a eulogy for a
relationship I will not let begin.
This is an obituary for the
words I will not say to you.
Why does the concept
of the feelings I have for you
Leave such a bitter
aftertaste in my mouth,
Leave remnants of a smoker’s
hard work on my tongue?
Because I happen to have
an addictive personality.
If you read my genetic code,
I would be a syllable off
from dependent, a
letter off from user, a
breath away from maniac.
My brain is wired to have difficulty
finding something to satisfy it,
and when it finally does, it will
latch onto it and milk it dry.
If I like something, I just like it.
If I love something, I obsess.
I obsess and I obsess and
I obsess myself into oblivion.
I will love you into insanity
and drive myself over the edge.
Your existence will give me
a high and like everything that
goes up, I must come down.
Not gently, not calmly,
not gliding into a soft landing.
Not with you.
Because just like how I get
addicted easily, just like how my
blood makes me pick things up,
My brain makes me throw
them all back down.
You will make me so happy,
so content, so satisfied,
But my body longs to be
hungry when it is full.
It\'s natural state is starving
and you are the best meal
I have ever had.
I will start to equate
you with endorphins
And my brain will decide
it does not like the equation.
My neurochemicals do not
like being reminded that they
have failed at their job.
How selfish of me to try and
fix the issue they have created.
They rip off the scabs on my
heart, they expose old wounds-
They are the platelets that do
not come when they are called,
Yet despise every make-shift
band-aid I manage to put on.
I\'ll obsess myself into a cycle
that makes me sick to my stomach.
The love I have for you will
morph eventually into anxiety,
And I take pills two times a day
to remedy myself of that.
I do not want to have to
take pills to remedy you.
You deserve someone who will
not turn you into a mental illness.
You deserve someone who will
love you for you, and not
what you do to their body.
You deserve someone who will
hate you for you, and not
what you do to their body.
I will wake up one day and
like a switch, my feelings have
been flipped into \'off\' mode.
You walk into the room and my
heart beats louder rather than stops.
I will see your arms as a
foreign language I have no
interest in trying to learn.
You will catch me as I fall and
I will beg you to go on and drop me.
I will scream and make your
ears bleed and make sure
no one ever hears you.
When your presence invades
my space, I will just leave rather
than let you take me over.
See, I am someone who
does not leave voluntarily,
But rather gets forced
and shoved out.
Either by something, or
someone, or even just myself.
I don’t leave- I disappear.
You don’t see me exit,
Only the scars in the
shape of my footprints,
that I leave behind.
I’ve been doing this
ever since I was born.
I wasn’t even born, I was
removed, I was ejected
at the earliest convenience.
She was not my mother
but a body, and i was
not a child, but a tumor.
What I am trying to say
is that love hurts and I
don\'t mean it will hurt
me but it will hurt you.
You deserve someone
who will sit and drink
coffee with you at 5 am,
and not someone who
suddenly, on a whim,
decides they prefer tea.
My love is what
love shouldn’t be.
Not what love can be,
or might be, or is even
sometimes made to be,
But what it is and shouldn’t be.
Out of all of the stories
and failures I have told you,
exposed to you, the only
common denominator is me.
Out of all of the issues
I have presented and
explained to you, the only
common problem is me.
We have already passed
high school algebra.
We know how to solve this-
Simply just mark me
out of the equation.
X = Y
And this = goodbye.