Im off kilter and deep off in the deep end
The more i pay attention
I start to see a sequence
a repetitive path that leads to painful slashes at my emotional weaknesses
I told myself id never lose again
But then i lost again
In exactly the same way
Lying to myself
Hiding the truth in a maze
thats how i ended up in this cycle of pain
Consigned myself to insanity
Doing the same exact things
And expecting there to be a difference
Preaching great things to others
But to me I’ll never listen
There’s a void where my heart is supposed to be
Thats symbolic of the absence of all the people that used to mean the world to me
Im stuck between proving something meaninglessness to my self
And actually going out and screaming for help
But theres a a persistent delusion that i can save myself
My life is in shambles
The things that i miss about me
Aren’t even things you can grab physically
Now there’s no balance or dichotomy
I cant swim and im in an ocean of apathy
Bad thing is , it feels just the same as well
Everything does and the world is so pale
Searching for the people im subconsciously hoping would coax me out of my shell
When they eventually fail
im like “ok oh well “
Theres no balance in my friendship scales
Just a litany of precautionary tales
“Oh dont ever trust them like that , don’t ever love them like that , don’t carry their failures and insecurities on your back .”
I just tried to give back and take em out of that dark place
Cause i dont want company there
And this life aint fair
I just want better for them
Do my best to put a smile on them
My efforts have never gone to waste
But i always wish they were able to reciprocate
Like somebody please pull me out of this dark sunken cave
Id like to live in the light for just a couple days
Id love to tell the pain that i just need some space
Want to live that peace that i so often bring to others
But i do like these moments where i can think and speak on my current state mentally with clarity
And i still believe theres some good in me
That theres hope that id stop fulfilling these self destructive prophecies
Yeah i guess there’s still hope for me
As long as i keep speaking to myself honestly
I never knew what was better for me until I started thinking introspectively