Shandi

Mom

I wish that you could hear me

All the years that I\'ve spent screaming

And it all was for nothing.

I wish that you could see

Who you are underneath

All the hurt and rage

You let a demon take your place

Mom got slammed into a cage.

And I think that\'s when she caved.

As the days have turned to nights

I\'ve watched the fading in her light

If only she could see herself

Through my eyes

And though your body is still here mom

I\'m left grieving the loss

Because I know that you\'ve been gone

It weighs on me so heavily

That I couldn\'t break you free

That I couldn\'t snap you out of it

That you may be gone for eternity

And looking at my son

I fear for what\'s to come

I witness a warrior, a true woman of God,

Not just crumble and fall

But never get back up at all

I worry that it will happen to me

That one day I\'ll break

And my son will see what I\'m seeing

And though my hours are filled sorrow and worry

I try to stay present

So he doesn\'t have to miss me

I think of you in the cold

And settling for that \"man\"

While I beat myself up about it

It\'s really out of my hands

So I\'m going to try

To do what I always do

Pick myself back up

And remember the best parts of you.

No one can ever

Take your place

But i must move on

Or I\'ll be stuck in the same space.

Ever so truly

I love you mom

And I\'ve sincerely missed you

Since you\'ve been gone

One day I know 

That your body will leave me too

Quite frankly,

We\'re just waiting on the final phase...

Round two...

It\'s been a type of cancer 

That next to no one knows about

I\'ve literally watched you rot

From the inside out

One day

We\'ll be putting you in the grave..

And I just don\'t know

If things will ever be okay.

So for now.

I continue to put my head down.

Keep my mind distracted,

All eyes are on me now...