It was raining when I met her.
A sure sign.
I ignored it.
Many a love story started in the rain.
We headed into the restaurant.
She throttled her brolly, drenching me in the process.
I ignored it, my white suit didn’t.
She perused the menu.
I suggested drinks.
Yes, plain water is so invigorating.
If you’re in the Sahara desert, it sure is.
Another sign.
The vegan menu was excellent, she said.
The 16 ounce steak with animal still attached wasn’t, seemingly.
We talked about the benefits of a vegan diet. She talked about the benefits of a vegan diet.
I saw her roasting over a well lit spit with an apple in her mouth.
Another sign.
I played carrots on the plate game.
She grew her own potatoes, she said.
My eyes lit up at the thought of her having a little plot. Or maybe the thought of her in the plot. That was cruel. Just because she has a passion for something, there’s no need to be negative about it. Just eat the damn meal, the benefits will come later.
I am going to stay celibate till the right man comes along.
Okay so the benefits may take a while, a lifetime by the looks of it.
Think of something interesting to say. Do you think Jesus, had he been on the farm? Do you think he would have fed the five thousand, bread and steak?
I am a bit of a theologian myself, let me explain.
Christ, now I\'ve opened a can of worms. A can of worms in sauce, how good does that sound. Maybe if I prayed hard, the uncelibacy god would whack her over the head.
How do you feel about sex before marriage, she said.
I think it’s a great idea. Okay, her eyes are bulging out her head. Actually, I think if a couple loved each other, they would wait. Okay, eyes back in head.
I totally agree, I think once the baby is conceived, there’s no need for sex. Don’t you agree?
Okay, carrots and peas, no sex, she definitely won’t have a telly, so that’s foreplay out the window. Yes I agree. How many kids are you thinking of having.
I was thinking about six.
Christ, we’ll be called the fruit and veg family. Right, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Wish I hadn’t got that vasectomy now.
What.
I’ve had the snip.
You have committed the greatest sin ever. I thought when I met you, there was a sign hanging over you. I’ll have to go, I really need to get to confessional, unburden myself.
Would you like me to join you?
No, you are past redemption.
That’s a shame. I really felt the signs were looking good.