In the want of finding myself
I began the exact process.
As I dug,
I found the golden light.
the raw material of soul.
loosening out of my hard shell of a human
becoming clean from my ego,
and shedding my materialistic scales.
at the very edge of this path
I reached out my hand
ready to grab what was gifted to me
but
I slipped
falling into a pothole.
but this pothole ended up being 18 feet deep
each foot I fell down
was a new past year of my life.
an ever-lasting journey into shame,
guilt, self-hatred.
pain and more pain shooting into my being.
re-experiencing and re-watching re-runs
like an old tragic film.
as I reached the rock bottom
I held no more pain
but I left a crater of it.
this exact pain was putting weight on my stomach as I fell
helping this gravitational pull to my wits end.
As I sat there,
I looked up in pure distraught
feeling completely and utterly stuck
Lost and confused.
trapped within my own skin.
how can I fathom a plan of recovery and resurrection
when it\'s seemingly impossible.
I traveled through time
falling deep into my own despair.
I sat for days,
for weeks
completely crippled by fear and depression.
Until i wiggled my fingers
wiggled my toes
and reached around for something. anything.
and in that,
I found my roots,
strong foundation.
dirt, bugs and small plants.
I found life.
As I looked up,
the life I saw surrounded me.
this is where I grew.
this is where it stems
And I can climb this tree
to feel breeze and sunlight once more.
once I reach this rooftop of the treehouse I built subconsciously,
I find this light once more in the palm of my hand.
only realizing it was there the entire time
and once more
I\'m grateful to feel such pain that has brought me deep reconciliation
understanding, and growth.