I am having an affair
on the future with my
into a chance to write
something meaningful.
I allow her to press her
lips to my neck, to leave
reminders of things long
forgotten, to completely
destroy me for one last
night.
I say that every time,
but I know it will not be
the last time. She will
find her way back in my
bed some day, I will find
myself back in her arms-
in her claws.
She does not deserve
to be painted as a villain.
She does not know I
plan to live tomorrow.
She does not know the
name of my college major
or the friends on the other
side of my phone. She
is hurting and she is
suffering and most of
all, she is numb. And I
use her to try and feel
the same.
What is worse than
using someone to feel
better- than using
someone just to feel
worse?
I am having a one-night
stand with my middle
school sweetheart. I
say we are strangers
but her number is saved
in my phone. She is my
emergency contact for
when things go off into
the shallow end of the
pool. She is the only one
to make me feel both
everything and nothing
at all. She is the only one
to bring me to tears and
forget my own name. She
is the only one who can
truly bring me to the brink
of the end- and yet never
go over the side.
I vent about my sins to
my accountability partner,
but the pill bottle stays
quiet. I am seeking for
advice that is right in front
of my eyes. You cannot
save someone who does
not want to be saved.
I fill up a diary with all
the mistakes I make
with her and I label it art.
I am neither drunk nor
sober- I am neither
heartbroken nor high.
I call her up anyway.
She never fails to answer,
yet this time she does
not pick up. I keep calling,
I drive to her favorite bar,
I reminisce over things
better left in the past.
I can not find her- she
leaves my existence on
read.
I am getting ghosted
by my only and only
mistress. How lonely
do you have to be for
your depression to
leave you too?