Where do I begin?
My mom passed away when I was only 13.
My father left the house when I was 5 after my mom roared
At him to “Go!”
He went up to the second floor and kissed my sleeping face one last time.
Huh! Serves him right.
The visits were off-and-on after then.
Until it reached a period of 5 years of silence.
Never did my bond with my father grow since the divorce.
So why am I telling you this?
Well, when I was 13 my mom’s fight with a decade-long cancer
spread to her brain.
Two days before her birthday,
She died.
It just so happened to be that my father decided to make a “comeback”
Into my life two months prior to her passing.
So, guess who took custody of the motherless minor?
My father.
A man who I had only known through the vague memories I had of him.
Through photographs tucked away in grandma’s dainty cabinets.
A man who had abandoned me for 5 years.
A man I wanted nothing to do with.
This man came into my life after years of silence
And decided to turn everything around.
This was his chance to prove that he was a good father,
But the act only aggravated the resentment held within me.
He was an alcoholic,
Started at the age of 13.
His life was the definition of “turmoil”
And now he wanted to raise me.
He was the one who broke the news about my mom.
We went to the mall, had breakfast, and we idled the day away.
Until the words came out his mouth,
“Yesterday, your mother went to Heaven”
I paused,
And began to think about all the interpretations of that sentence.
I wasn’t sure if I heard him right.
I still wanted to have hope, but it clicked.
Something inside me changed forever that day.
With nothing else to do
I hugged my father,
And wept.
My despair was too much for me to handle.
But just like that, I now had a new life.
A life in my father’s house.
A life that will define the person I will grow to be.
So that’s how it played out,
For a whole year I stayed silent.
I tried to visit my grandma as much as I could,
Anything to try to escape reality.
My father had stripped me from lifelong friends.
He had taken all my hobbies and fervent passions
And discarded them in a bin of ego.
No longer was I the same person,
I had to endure these hardships on my own,
As he distanced me from my mom’s side of the family.
I had become a “statue”
According to him and his wife.
My stepmother was something straight out of
Cinderella.
Her maltreatment with me was unfair and undue.
I couldn’t even lift a spoon without her screaming at me.
She was volatile and explosive.
And I deliberately always called her by her name, never “stepmom.”
But all this silence
One day was altered.
One day,
After a heated argument with my father and his wife.
She kicked him out of the house, with me tagging along.
She stayed alone in the apartment with my two younger siblings.
So flashforward one week,
And they now want to make up.
They went to church to seek advice,
And they both came out entirely different beings.
My father had dropped his addiction with liquor.
He was now a last-minute saint,
Fearing the coming of The Rapture.
As for his wife,
She became slightly more considerate.
But that’s as far as it went,
She still had a burning anger towards me.
So, all this backstory is to come to this point in my life I’m
At now.
After my father discovered my sexual orientation
In an invasive manner.
It’s been tension since then.
He looks at me differently.
He talks to me differently.
Although my father has been a terrible figure in my life,
My nature can’t help but feel sympathy.
Although he has made me silenced,
He never fails to say, “I love you.”
Although he was absent for so many years,
He’s trying to make the most of me now.
And I see his desperation.
He already knows I’m leaving at the age of 18,
Because I told him!
I told him how he made me feel,
But he still doesn’t fully comprehend it.
I explained to him that when I’m with him I feel so unloved.
That all these restrictions and boundaries,
All the “do’s” and “don’ts”
Are suffocating me!
But he still doesn’t comprehend it.
This Christly way of being,
Is dismantling me of my being.
It’s ascetism on full display.
It’s dogmatic principles that I have to obey.
The “taboos” are forbidden,
Feared,
Loathed,
God-forbid-you-do-it-or-else-you’re-doomed-to-Hell!
And I am that “taboo!”
Just because of who I love and who I am
My father rejects me,
Banishes me,
Eliminates me from existence!
I am no longer a face in the frame.
Shame on me!
You said to my own face that you won’t “accept” me
But that you’ll “respect” me.
Bullsh!t!
How can you say you love someone and respect them but then go on
To say that you don’t “accept” them?!
Damn, pick a side.
I don’t want your bluffs of endearment.
I want you to say you love me with conviction!
I don’t want your words to be soaked in deceit!
They’re double-edged blades coming out your mouth!
I’m an outcast in your eyes.
There’s no room for me in your image of life.
You call me a “sin” and that I chose this life.
But the reality is, we are born to fight!
You can call me whatever you want,
But I know who I am.
I own the conviction you lack,
I’m able to say that I love who I love, and I know my identity.
And that’s already far more than you can do.
You see,
Though you bring me down and make me inferior
Because of my preference
Because I am GAY.
(Yes I said it, GAY.
What, does the word make you uncomfortable?
Go on, say it, say the truth your Bible teaches you to do.
I know you get jittery when I’m around. I know you think
I’m a monster. An alien creature from a different planet, trying to
brainwash the youth. But the thing is, it\'s all in your narrow mind.)
You don’t own me,
Just because your my father doesn’t entitle
You to belittle my existence.
You see, I’m only writing this because today I had the last straw.
I pressed my hand into my chin, and you said “STOP”
“I want you to act like a man around me, your influencing my son!”
You see that right there shows your true nature.
You\'re bothered by the little things.
A simple gesture of boredom was classified as “feminine” for you and
you automatically replied with a defense mechanism.
Going as far as neglecting the relationship between me and my little
Brother by calling him “my son” (To you I’m a monster)
You want to make me a robot,
A marionette which you control from above.
A macho man that is the embodiment of masculinity.
Even basic things like movement you want to control.
You’re a domineering maniac and you expect for me to comply.
I won’t abide,
Not to your rigid rules,
Nor to your way of life.
Because I know who I am,
I know that I just want to spread kindness
Wherever I go.
I know that I have a soul that is worth more than yours.
And I’m not saying that out of vanity,
It’s because I’m an open-minded being
That is concerned with other people’s sensitivity.
I’m tactful and will only respond with love even if hate is what I’m receiving.
And you see,
That’s why I love you dad.
Though we are two different beings,
With two obvious distinct ways of life.
I DON’T hate you.
Though it’s what you may think, all I ever wanted was
A GOOD relationship with you.
That although I am no longer a face in the frame for you,
That I can at least be seen as a human.
That despite my sexuality you can love me AND accept me.
Because with you and your madness, I accept you.
I have nothing against faith,
MY MOM was a Christian.
But when you begin to squeeze me down into nothing,
Try to make me compact enough to fit into your ideology,
Attempt to strip me of everything that I am,
That is when you cross the line.
So, I’ve become more aloof around you,
I don’t talk back because I know I’m talking to a brick wall.
I’m just preparing you for the loss you repressed.
This is my silent protest.