I can be two different people
In the span of an hour.
One of them is who I want to be all the time,
happy, confident, happy, content. This guy
has everything. A family who loves him, friends
he can talk to, a beautiful girlfriend,
captured and swept along by the music and words that surround him,
which he tries to chain to his fingers and mouth
and share with the world, never empty
of people and places that inspire him.
This guy is around most of the time.
When he\'s not, though, it feels like he will never come back.
Like he threw around my mind like a fucking tornado, tore up
all things beautiful, and then was chased away by the
goddamn tears that just won\'t stop trying to
salt the earth of my fucked up head.
This guy appears without warning. He comes at the ever
so slightest invitation,—sometimes never being invited at all—
like a friend who didn\'t wave back, a white lie, a lover out of town,
an innocent sentence taken and mangled, driving alone for far too long
at night until the traffic lights become mere suggestions,
and the songs turn to white noise and the white noise is tapped out on my
fingers and feet and the three beers I had weigh my stomach down like a brick and
I feel like throwing up and I wonder always what it would be like if I just shut my eyes tight and
pressed down hard on the gas pedal and didn\'t go home and stopped wasting away, unable to feel anything anymore.
But I always go home.
And I never say anything—ever—because the guy
I want to be always come back, and this time,
I hope against hope that he stays forever.