Linford the fugitive tortoise.
When Linford the tortoise went missing the whole of our crew were distraught.
Our Auntie Nelly was sobbing, coz that was for whom he was bought.
We searched all the lawns and the pathways just with the use of our eyes.
We dragged all the pebbles from the rockery, coz that’s where he would be disguised.
Dad said “ I saw him ten minutes ago, with his head poking out of his shell.”
“ Chomping on lettuce and salad and stuff, he looked very happy and well.”
Old LInford he loved to have greens for his breakfast, he ate about as much as a cow.
And given that he’d been missing an hour or more, he could be ten feet away now.!
By mid- day we all were quite desperate coz LInford had not yet been caught
So we called 999 double quick to file a lost person’s report.
The Policeman required further details like age and color of skin?
We said he was six and quite scaley and wearing a shell suit within.
The flying squad shot round to our house with officers walking in line.
They soon had their sniffer dogs out in the street and closed off the scene of the crime.
Then came the Police helicopter, circling around in the sky
To catch a mere glimpse of our Linford from their lofty seat upon high.
The Policemen began digging the garden suggesting it was homicide.
Our Auntine Nelly was frantic. “He’s part of the family!” She cried.
“Does he have any family around here?” One of the Police officers asked
“And did he have a mobile phone with him, and would he be carrying cash?”
.
“ What a strange question” we all thought. “Our LInford’s gone missing from home?”
And this ‘ere Superintendent’s suggesting, we should buy our pet tortoise a phone?
“He’d struggle to use it!” said Father, ``His digits are too stubby and fat.
But now that you’ve made the suggestion, we might buy a Samsung fer’t cat.”
“ It’s never like this on the telly.” Father politely reflected.
The coppers don\'t ask stupid questions, especially not the detectives.
“ It’s purely procedure” said the Bobby, to help us to locate the child.
Then Dad said before Linford left us, He was thinking of turning him wild.!
All of a sudden it hit us! Our Dad just about flipped his lid.
They’d been a misunderstanding, they thought we were missing a kid?
The bits of the jigsaw assembled. The manhunt, the chopper, the hounds..
Were searching for signs of a lost boy, not a testudinal six inches from’t ground.
“ Now let’s re-assemble.” Said Mother. “To our story, we ‘ll have to stick!”
“ If they find out that Linford’s a tortoise, we’re all going down to the nick!”
The officer questioned us further, about when we last saw him at home
And was he upset with any of us, and why would he ever have gone
The Police took our Dad to the station, and concluded that Linford was dead.
When Dad said he’d spent all the winter, in a box wrapped in straw in the shed.
It became a murder enquiry the odds against Father were stacked.
And just like our lovely boy Linford, we prayed that neither would crack!
So Father confessed to the blunder and said that there had been a mistake.
And told ‘em that Linford was our missing pet and not to go dragging the lake.
And just before sun down that evening our Linford came galloping home
He’d spotted Police in the garden so crawled under t’shed till they ‘d gone.
We wondered why Linford avoided our brave boys and girls dressed in blue.
He said that they’d once caught him speeding in the fast lane on the’ A42.
He was summoned to court shortly after and avoided paying his fine.
And he’d just woken up for the summer, so was n’t prepared to do time.