Sometimes I think chaos and control are the same thing.
I am only in control when I am not.
From the outside I seem to chaotically shove needles through my ears but it is only because I can finally pinpoint what is hurting me.
I can control the pain
From the outside I seem to mindlessly pour alcohol in my cup into the late night but it is only because I can finally feel something.
I can control my state.
From the outside I seem to madly obsess over every grade that I get but it is only because I can finally say I have achieved something.
I can control my success
From the outside I seem to carelessly throw my body around from one person to the next but it is only so I can finally say that I am free.
I can control my independence
I don’t think I have ever truly been in control but I honestly don’t mind it because at least the chaos allows me to convince myself that I am