STANZA VI
I’ve started to breathe freely again
My eyes are a bit less foggy
Dipping my toes in so many new pools
So many sharp intakes
Fueled by worry and distrust
Uncomfortable as this all is
It is a must
The all encompassing darkness has begun to recede
I can now finally take
The first steps
In the journey
To discover
And to answer
Who is me ?
Over a fifth of a century
Of being deceived by me
The selectively permeable sponge
The masochistic empath
He who wanted happiness
But only taught himself pain
Blesser and supporter of others
Butcher and crucifier of thine self
Absorber of every insult and all trauma
Hermetically sealed off from joy and acknowledging progress
This has been my cycle
My loop
To the edge of insanity I’ve been
A more unsettling place than i have ever known
A more defeated person , my mirror has never shown
STANZA VII
In this field of gray that i know reside in
Im still adjusting to the climate
Slightly pleasant
I hesitate to embrace enjoyment
Every muscle tensed
In anticipation
For the next set of hardships
My joyless masochistic subconscious hounds me
Even in my attempts to rest
A tsunami of paralysis fueled by anxiety attempts to take my breath
Perhaps i stare into the mirror with too critical of an eye
The criminal
Eternally perceived
As I
The freeing crop of perspective
Devoured by the locusts
Of my excessive internal locus
So i continue to consume negations
Perpetually in denial
Baptized in its reality defining waters
My first post baptismal inhale
The sweet air of self hatred
Caustic criticisms fementing in my soul to become a poisonous ale
And I’ll drink it every night