STANZA X
I cant smell a thing anymore
The garden surrounding me be damned
I need to break this emotional dam
The dreams and hopes need to be drowned
With acknowledgments
Of my current reality
My wishes should never replace
Those honest images
That my always observing eyes
Perceive
If i do that
Ill never be free
Its a motif
That I’ll continue to repeat
Ive lived life like a fish in a bowl
Knowing my true self can be found in the sea
The canals leading to self realization
A maze
More complex than any matrix
Its time to look in the mirror
And finally say it
Who i am must die
So i can be anew
Finally true
Capable of looking in the mirror
And saying
“Hey i know you “
As i now take the the steps up
Thorns can go to hell
Let my hands bare the scars
Blood may be spilt
Time
And
Time
Again
Even as the darkness of my reality looms
I can still
Smell the sweet blooms
Within this
Claustrophobic
Torture chamber
Also known as
My loving heart
For happiness
I think
Ive made room
Validating
My anger
My built up rage
The caustic fumes
Eating at my soul
When left in its previous cage
Horizons anew the sky an orange yellow hue
Hope of a new day
STANZA XI
I can never have what i want
A sobering realization
It wages war
With my human temptations
Can i be described as ambitious
For wanting to experience a comforting love ?
Have i asked for too much ?
Am i not enough to deserve that ?
I long to end this contentious internal combat.
A short while ago i was at peace with this piece of my life
Then it was plunged into strife
Her overwhelming emotional shadow resided for three days in my seldom opened heart
The poison of nostalgia filled my veins
A bliss overcame me that made me forget all the pain
As if it were magic i was transported to a better place
In my desperate and delusional fervor i longed for us to be closer
Only for the truth to remind me of the need for space
I do adore that face
I enjoy her presence
I am always at the mercy of her infectious soul
However
I can not burden myself to the point of my ruin
Only she can restore her emotional ruins
Ive begun to restore mine
Yet hers remain as desolate as before
I wish-
Yes thats what this whole thing is
A wish
A wish that most likely will not be granted
And if i resign myself to a blind belief in it ,
Then i will be forever emotionally stranded
And yet
There remains the anger
The anger of another solemn request being denied
Will i be denied this joy in life ?
In this rarest of occasions where another’s heart aligns with mine
Our journeys just HAVE to be maligned with mines ?
Id gladly take all the pain and suffering that entails
But WHY should this path rob me of my entrails ?
Can i not have a blissful journey to this desired embrace ?
Must everything in my life evolve into a trial that i must face ?
Im tired , im weary , i am consumed by exhaustion
Does everything i aim to do have to be engulfed with caution?
Can i not take risks without having to pay a price a million times the price of others ?
Im in a prison devoid of comfort
Something that is fleetingly found in others
My rage is buliding
My faith is yielding
And i fear that i have no chance of healing