H. Jordan

when change is forced upon a guarded heart

 

I don’t feel much of anything right now

Or maybe its that I feel to much

Its overwhelming me

Drowning me

It feels like there’s a hole in my body 

A gaping wound in my chest

I’m crushed by expectations I have placed on myself

I’m tortured by change that has yet to happen

But I know it’s inevitable 

I try to distract myself

Fling myself into another world

Another reality

It worked for a couple hours 

But how can I continue like this

I feel something akin to fear, sadness, and loneliness all at the same time

I can’t do this alone

I feel such a pull to tell someone

Anyone

I almost did the other day

But distrust and worry got the better of me

I didn’t want to kill the mood

But I just want someone to hug me

Tell me everything is ok

That what I’m feeling is normal

That my emotions are valuable 

That they mean something in this huge, unending universe

I’m not doing well today

I feel like I’m going to collapse 

Melt right into the floor

Disappear 

Sometimes I want to peel my skin off 

Be free from my body

I’m so sick and tired of this

The change is coming closer with every word I’m writing

And somehow, I’m only now realizing that change arrived a long time ago

It’s just solidifying now

Becoming something permanent 

I don’t know what to do anymore 

I’m so sick of this

I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

I want to go back

Back to when I was so obliviously sure of everything

But time won’t let me

I want to scream and cry but the tears won’t leak out of my face 

God save me from this torture

Help me let go of these feelings that are making it impossible to speak

To move

To live

I know others definitely have it worse

And yet that doesn’t lessen my pain

It feels like a prison of my own making

What will happen to me now

Im scared

Im tired

Im feeling everything so strongly

Yet I don’t feel anything at all