Affluence.
We really can’t thank her enough
That lady the miners called “ Thatch!”
She helped us to buy our old terraced council house.
And thirty years on we’re “detached,”
We were lucky the way we invested.
The financial plans that we made.
With mortgage rates lower than renting,
In twenty five years it was paid.
We decided to move up the ladder.
And quickly our old home was sold.
The children had all flown the nest.
And we then together grew old.
Of course we miss our old neighbors.
We’d all grown up in the same street.
Our new residence is secluded, bidet included,
an estate known as “ Debtor\'s Retreat!
We don’t go out socially these days.
In fact we don\'t venture too far.
The neighbors ignore one another.
On Sundays when washing their cars.
I hoped that we’d all get together
For a drink and a chat round our gaff.
I set up a neighborhood watch club.
Just for a beer and laugh.
The locals declined our kind invite.
To meet at our house and fight crime.
What with high powered jobs and private school runs.
They simply did not have the time.
I’ve noticed the locals like lemmings.
With envious eyes they peruse.
Material things are their focus.
A contest they simply can’t lose.
These locals, they study each other.
When poking their heads through their doors.
The car that you drive and the phone that you have.
And “ I’ve got one better than yours !”
Their first port of call is “ What mobile?”
Their neighbor has glued to his ear.
When they sprint down their drive in the morning.
Shouting loudly so everyone hears.
The latest obsession I\'ve noticed.
The one thing on which they are keener.
To have the right vehicle plugged into their gaff.
To announce to the world that they’re greener.
I’ve watched them look down their noses.
When I arrive home in my truck.
She’s old and she’s smelly and diesel.
And quite frankly I don’t give a …… fig !.
These modern cars are next to useless.
Those fossil fuels they do not burn.
With a full tank of derv, I could drive to the moon.
And have plenty left to return.
“ My car’s all electric, they bluster.
“ We’re saving this planet of ours !”
“ By boiling and drinking our urine and changing the make of our cars.”
“These sacrifices are worth enduring, because our world is going to hell!”
But boiling one’s pee, and then making tea,
It really does make your breath smell.
They plug in their vehicles each evening.
To reduce their reliance on gas.
The vegans save power by cutting their lawns.
On their hands and knees eating the grass.
And what about our poor dying planet?”
Our neighbor\'s wife shouted to him,
She’d obviously never considered.
That polars knew how to swim.
And if it gets warmer in England.
Think of the cash we’ll retain.
No longer flying to Egypt or Greece, Portugal, Turkey or Spain.
They Warn us of our Armageddon
“The ending of all of our time.
This planet of ours is imploding.
We’ve come to the end of the line”
It’s a contest to see who is “ Greener.”
A challenge that no one must shirk.
It takes twenty hours for their cars to charge.
And fifteen more getting to work.
“Electric cars are so much smoother.
With a push of the pedal you’re gone.”
If you long to drive out of town.
You can’t have the radio on.
The ultimate driving experience.
By those clever Westphalian chaps.
By far the most common of breakdown
Is when the elastic band snaps.
Our neighbors just follow the bandwagon.
They congregate like wooly sheep.
They spend most of their days charging their cars
And that’s why they’re too tired to speak.