I tried to shed the girl I once was long ago
tried to leave her in the river of my depression
I tried shoving her down into the depths of my despair
But the shame of being different
Of feeling like i am “other”
Kept her from sinking
And propelled her to the surface
I was too weak
And I was Forced me to keep her
Forced to keep up the facade
The worst part of my charade
Is not the self-loathing
The hate I feel toward myself
For thinking these thoughts
For feeling these feelings
For not being in control of my mind and body
It’s not the loneliness
Though it’s my constant accompaniment through life
Not the crushing weight of a burden I must bear alone
The tears shed in quiet while no one’s looking
It’s not the feeling of hiding from the world
Of not being able to be truly honest
To be able to open up
Of Negating myself till I am
Nothing
The worst part are those who pretend I’m the same girl I once was
It’s those who ignore my cries for help
And ignore my feelings
As if pretending they’re not there
Will shoo them out the door
The worst is wanting support
From those who say they love me the most
But all they can do is pretend
Pretend that my world didn’t fall apart
Pretend that I’m not really this way
Pretend that I’ll get over it
So that they don’t have to step foot in my reality
What they don’t understand
Is that this isn’t something to get over
This is me
Hiding myself means I ball my feelings up
Make myself as small as I can
And bury myself in my sadness
But I want to take up space
And I want them to acknowledge my reality
not treat it as something shameful
Or something that retreats in the silence
Ignoring and pretending makes me feel ashamed
and sad
and ashamed
I don’t want to pretend
Not for other people
and especially not for myself
Not sure I can pretend anymore
Every day I struggle to keep up the act
To keep my carefully constructed facade from crumbling
And burying me in the process
But one glimmer of the girl I once was
And I’m on my knees
one smile from a pretty girl
Has me frantically gathering the crumbling bricks
One thought of my brother
Has me scrambling for shelter
Crazy how all my hard work can be gone in seconds
All the bricks I’ve spent hours stacking up
And filling in any holes that betrayed my feelings
These walls kept them up
So I could continue living my life
I’m not sure how much more of this I can take
Not sure how long I can hold up this crackling facade
How long I can keep picking up the pieces and putting them together one by one
How long till people start seeing through my act?
One day my charade will crumble and it’ll drown me
in sadness, shame, and desperation
Not sure I can hold onto the girl I once was
Im not her, not anymore