I’m not perfect because I don’t like the right foods
You can hate every single food mom makes
But because I don’t like stuffing and pudding
I’m not right
I’m not perfect because I’m not funny
Caleb can tell a joke and everyone laughs
But when I tell the same joke it is dead silent
I’m not perfect because I don’t help out enough
But the moment I do, I’m a goody-two shoes
A kiss-up, teacher\'s pet
I’m not perfect because I’m too quiet, too reserved
But the moment I open my mouth, I’m too loud
Too opinionated
I’m not perfect because I hide in my room all day
But the moment I come out, insults bombard me
Like I’m Dorothy
And the words are the Wicked Witch of the West’s flying monkeys
They attack me constantly
Incessantly
Even after I leave
When I stare at the mirror
They circle my head
My too wide waist
So I cut back my diet
I run on the treadmill
I count my calories
But the numbers aren’t going down fast enough
So I stop eating
Except for an apple a day
Because an apple a day
Keeps the questions at bay
If they see me eat that
They won’t see the pain I go through
They won’t hear my stomach growling
Telling me it\'s empty
I need to be a size 6
Size 4
Size 2
Size 0
Am I perfect yet?
Or do you need more?
Will you demand more perfection?
Work harder
Think smarter
A 93% is now a failure
Missing half a point makes me a loser
But getting a perfect makes me “too perfect”
Because I act perfect all the time
But that’s not perfection that’s confidence
But that’s not confidence, that’s arrogance
So I stop talking about the things I’m proud of
The accomplishments I\'ve achieved
The good grades I get
I stop talking about the things I enjoy
Instead,
I talk about the things I hate about myself
But now I’m fishing for compliments
Now I need validation
For you have destroyed my confidence
Am I perfect yet?
I’m not perfect because I focus on myself
I do what’s best for me
But that makes me selfish
So I stop doing what I want to do
I do what you want to do
I compliment you
Listen to everyone’s problems
Never able to voice my own
Because I know I will be interrupted
Because your problems are more important
I can’t even eat crackers at friend’s house
Because I don’t want to feel like a burden
“It’s up to you”
I hate those words with a burning passion
Because I what if I pick the wrong choice
The one you don’t want to do
Will you hate me?
Am I perfect yet?
No. A thousand times no
Because look at your hair
Your face
Your eyes
No one likes brown eyes
Your clothes
Your shoes
The bags under your eyes
Well I can’t sleep
I’m up \'til 1am
Wishing I was asleep
Begging I was asleep
Instead of worrying about the next day
What are you going to wear tomorrow?
You can’t wear sweatpants, you’ll look like a slob
You can’t wear a tank top, you’ll look like a hoe
You can’t wear a sweater vest, you’ll look like a nerd
You can’t wear a cardigan, you’ll like a grandma
You can’t wear a flannel, you’ll look like a basic white girl
You can’t wear plaid, you’ll look like a stupid farm girl
Well what do you want me to do?
What do you want me to wear?
I don’t really want to wear make-up today
Yes, you do, you have too
Otherwise, you look ugly
Too dull
Too plain
Now you’re wearing too much
You look fake
Your eye shadow doesn’t match
Your mascara looks awful
Am I perfect yet?
My wrist hurts
But I won’t tell a soul
Because I don’t want people to think I’m faking it
Milking it for attention
I will not be that girl
I tell myself I’m strong
I can’t take Ibuprofen
Because I’m not sure if I’ll take one
Or the entire bottle
People ask me why I do it
And I tell them I don\'t know
Maybe its so I feel something
Against this numbness crawling beneath my skin
Or maybe its so I have proof that these feelings are real
And its not in my head
Maybe its punishment for not being perfect enough
Or maybe
Its so I am a little closer to death
Because I know I can\'t do it
Because who will feed calves with Mom in the morning?
Who will drive the boys to school?
Who will sit between Morgan and Peyton at the lunch table?
But those are all replaceable
Lizzy can feed calves with Mom
The boys can take the bus
Izzy can sit at the lunch table
So no,
I don\'t know why I do it
And no,
I don\'t know why I don\'t do it
Am I perfect yet?
I’m not perfect because I can’t stand public places
The crush of bodies around me
The sounds are too loud around me
I want to cover my ears and scream
Fall to my knees and scream
Is that perfection?
Anxiety that tells me “everyone’s watching you”
Whispers in my ear “everyone’s judging you”
Your clothes look weird
Your hair\'s a mess
Is that perfection?
A depression so crippling I can barely get out of bed in the morning
So damaging I can barely get off my knees in the shower
Because it tells me
No one loves you
No one cares about you
You\'re going to live alone
You\'re going to die alone
Is that perfection?
Anorexia that’s so detrimental the thought of food makes me want to hurl
So destructive clothes hang off me like I’m just another hanger
Is that perfection?
Well then congrats to me, society
For you have finally made me perfect.