ANXIETY
I have always imagined at 30 years of age
I ‘d have a pretty awesome job, a car the works!
But wishes aren’t horses and we are not beggars
And therefore, we cannot ride!
Quiet a rude awakening at 31 years
When the picture-perfect life I imagined died
And the dreams I envisioned seemed to have dried!
“Delay is not denial!!Denial is denial, Delay is denial”
Said this over and over again!
As constant reminder to hold on hope
Although I couldn’t cope!
31, 31,33,34 and 35 years of age
With each year passing by
My hope fading away
Delay started to feel like denial
The hopelessness in me was going viral
The fear of not making it was catching up with me
The walls of hope I held onto came crushing and crumbling down on me
It didn’t seem like I d see light at the end of the tunnel
Lord, I know that you said when the time is right you will make it happen!
But when Lord? When will the time be right?
And will you ever make it happen?
Also why am I the only one who has to wait?
Or do you just have favourites?
And I am just not one of them?
I could start to feel the weight!! Pilling up on me!
Sleep became a stranger and I met worry!
worry and I would sit in the dark
And go over everything that was wrong and more that could go wrong
See anxiety crept up on me
And placed her hands around my neck
Not choking me hard…YET
Just hard enough to have me struggling for breath!
A little squeeze! A little nudge!
To overly remind me my life was at a standstill!
Have me wonder will I ever make it?
Have me wonder… Could I be cursed?
See anxiety and I conversed everyday
Back and forth we went
Me trying to hold on to hope
Her trying to tell me I won’t cope
Me trying to see light at the end of the tunnel
And her telling me there will never be light at the end of the tunnel
Her saying that I will never make it, that I should just give up!!
It wasn’t easy I have to admit!
She had me convinced I was a failure
Felt like at any point my head would split!!
And….and I wanted to seek help
She just would not let me!
Nobody needs to know! She’d say!
They will probably just judge you!!
She just wouldn’t lose her grip!
Unless I cut myself with a razor
With every cut she’d let lose a little
Once I put the razor down, she tightens her grip
See I was the puppet and she the puppet master she just pulled strings and I jumped
And she had me caged! In a twisted rollercoaster of emotions
I was losing myself
It was just too much!!!!
Anxiety you son of a witch!!! Just choke me out already!! This is too much!!
Walk me into the light!!have me become another statistic whatever!!
You like for me to suffer, don’t you?
Also why is nobody hearing my silent screams for help?
Yet we are all tweeting!! Depression is real!!mental health is vital! The signs are always there
Don’t you see me screaming??the scars on my wrists? don’t you see them?
I guess is just me and my anxiety! Until I walk into the light!