Story of my life 2023 (deep)

If you are wondering if I am alright,
Tossing and turning in the middle of the night.
Can\'t eat a meal without it being a fight,
Barely was in school but yet I am so bright.

The truth of my youth will it send me to heaven?
Almost stolen on holiday when I was eleven.
Took by a man who thought he could have me,
Thankfully with a bang on the door I finally got free.

Only turned fourteen, before things got so mean,
Bulllied at school, wish that I\'d never been.
Lost all this weight at a rate so obscene,
I had become one very fragile ill teen.

They put me in hospital, for \'bad kids\' may I quote,
Force fed me meals or shoved tubes down my throat.
It happened a lot, i felt like a bloated bloody shoat,
If only this part of my childhood could be rewrote.

But ofcorse I got out, after time and weight gain,
Hey I\'m okay mum, promise there\'s no pain.
I can\'t go back there, I am well, I am sane,
As if that hell could have healed my brain.

I hid things well then, for a further three years,
Changed my whole image, masked all my fears.
When beaten to a pulp and raped, I hid my tears,
No food, just drinking and drugging, everything disappears.

Including myself, seventeen, skin and bone,
Admitted to a hospital, weighing only four stone.
A medical ward, a safety zone,
But I couldn\'t get better all on my own.

I had no fight, I had no will,
Everything had gone down hill.
I was so weak, so gone, so ill,
Given days to live, that is until..

Doctors, they came, two or three,
After many distressing media pleads from my family.
But there is no place here for my E.D,
So off to London for a year they sent me.

Therapists to heal, talk about the past,
Doctors, dietitions, nurses all were vast.
Made friends, felt better, \'recovered\', ammased,
And when I felt I was ready at nineteen, I walked free at last.

I\'ve worked years in banking and had the odd relationship.
Life was okay, but always drunk and I was still being sick.
Binge purging had become an addiction every single day,
And it consumed my life and pushed everything away.

And here we are now, 15 years on,
Life\'s thrown so much, and I\'ve been so strong.
Reflecting on my life, even blows me away,
Age 29 another hospital stay.

I was in hospital the same time as my dying grandad,
They wouldn\'t let me visit him and for me that was sad.
So I escaped my ward, ran and fell through the door of his bay,
I\'ll never regret it as seeing him alive-  this would be my last day.

The very next year age 30,  I had a bad fall,
I broke my back badly and couldn\'t walk at all.
More months in hospital, physio, tried weight gain and willpower,
Finally my legs started working but left me with bad mobility meaning I can\'t walk that far.

I got home for Christmas, Anorexia still consuming me,
My weight was still so low, every bone you could see.
It\'s a miracle I survived and learnt to walk again,
I had an amazing home physio alas now live in daily body pain.

I became a hermit, never went outside,
Only to visit my granny to whome I always could confide.
Sadly my weight and bloods were too bad to operate,
Back to hospital where I was subjected to such hate.

Another patient bullied and had fixated on me,
I begged staff for safe guarding plea after plea.
They ignored the constant harassment and things being thrown at my head,
Until a horrible night, the patient held me down and sexually assaulted me in my bed.

SELF DISCHARGED, My family came and took my home,
As I was not safe there being ignored and left alone.
Now my head was truely screwed this time,
My family had to call the police as the hospital blind sighted the crime. 

I\'ve never had justice or trauma help to date,
That hospital is now a place that I hate.
Age 32, still a hermit, my granny moved in,
It was short lived with the unknown cancer growing within.
I lost my hero, my world, my everything,
She was the most special person, the wind beneath my wings.

With all this pain my health was in shambles and weight dropping more
I was functioning below 5 stone, something never done before.

Refusing hospital as the trauma is still with me,
I decided to try church, thinking this is were the answer to heal could be.

How wrong I was, what\'s next is absolutely crazy,
They were a CULT and stole everything from me.
With weight so low I had a small heart attack at home and paramedics took me away,
The pastor and a church member stripped my bedroom bare and stole over 500 pounds to my dismay.

So depression, paranoia, anger, anxiety kicked in as I returned home still very ill and distraught,
Then 2 weeks in bed I spent because somehow, covid was caught.
I dropped to 28 kilos under 4 stone,
And still I have not received help or left my home.

Pure skin and bone ,  I severely feared for my health,
With many thoughts and an attempt to end my life.
But I promised my Granny I\'d get better on her death bed,
So I must remember this and keep fighting the diabolic demons my head.

My hermit life in recovery alone- has ups, downs and everything in between,
But with great determination,  I\'ve worked so hard to gain weight, and am now the heaviest I\'ve ever been.

I know I still have such a long way to go,

Every day I have to remind myself so.
To keep fighting and endure this rollercoaster ride.
A self recovery routine is what I now obide.

I wake each day with a P.M.A  (positive mental attitude)
After 20 years of suffering I\'ve finally found my way.
My illness is SO misunderstood and a living hell,
But now I\'m in control and health,  my story I must tell.