2022 - 2023 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES !!!
I want to state that MENTAL HEALTH SHOULD NOT BE A TABOO SUBJECT. I want to break that stigma and let people know - it\'s okay not to be okay and it\'s okay to talk about it. Never say never. Never give up. Even if your mind tells you too. Everything can be reversed. Healing is real. Hope matters. You can change your whole life.
LISTEN is an anagram of SILENT. Anyone who has loved ones struggling please remember that and what that means. And to anyone struggling remember there doesn\'t need to be silence and suppressing your feelings or thoughts when you have a kind listening ear. 2023 let\'s be kind to ourselves and each other. We are all human.
Start of the year 2022 - I was on deaths door after events happened that caused great trauma, along with a life that didnt deal the best cards. I wanted the pain to end. I wanted to escape. I almost died. I actually almost took my own life and I WOULD be dead if some angel or univesal power did not enable that rope to break. At the start of the year I did NOT think I\'d be here speaking today on Jan 1st 2023.
Start to middle of the year - Still stuck. Hermit. I even caught covid somehow and dropped to my lowest weight ever. My weight and health were severely concerning, worrying and frankly scary as hell. I ofcorse refused hospital, as well, I\'ve not had the best treatment thoughout my life incarsarated ( That\'s not to say hospital doesn\'t help others) I actually had a breakdown as everything from the start of the year had been suppressed, accumulated within me , caused paranoia, severe anxiety ,irrational thinking, anger and I exploded. Hurting NOONE but myself and people who love me. I had the mindset of \' I\'m so alone and noone actually loves me for me \' it was toture for my mind . I fell into a pity party with this mindset along with knowing I did not deserve anything bad that had happened to me which hurt and enraged me and I had no idea how to control so much emotions as I was ill, my health both mental and physical in shambles. And an unhealthy body and mind will never get anywhere. I truely believe that breakdown was needed, as I hit rock bottom and I was shattered into a million pieces.. but that give me only one direction to go - UP. And gave me the opportunity to build myself back - better, stronger ,wiser. ( Not very many people will know or have noticed the struggle behind smiles this year , or agony behind a happy persona shared or ongoing every day struggles I deal with.. This is WHY we should BE KIND to each other as you have no idea what someone is going through , even if they seem to have it all and are always smiling , happy and helping others )
Still struggling after my breakdown but now something had changed - I WANTED to be better. I Iet everything out. Within a breakdown my mind somehow broke that mentality of \'UGH, i\'m stuck, I\'m ill, I\'m alone ,I give up, I want to die.\'
I said to myself, whilst I dont fear death , I want to LIVE. I deserve to live after 21 years of ill health, being stripped of a life and being controlled by an illness and bad influences. Why should anyone or anything that has caused me harm and hurt me be the authors of my life and dictate my path. I am NOT my illness. I am not what happened to me. I have family who love me so much and I them. I set goals . Found aspirations and incentives. With health I knew I would have so much potential to basically do anything I put my mind to. My sister always told me THAT and it finally got though to me. I NEEDED to change but more importantly I WANTED to change. To HEAL properly and even help others along my journey. We rise lifting others. It was again like I\'d been touched by an angel or the universe was working with me, on my side. So I fought for my life. I read copious amounts of self help books, dianetics ( no I\'m not a scienctoloigist but the dianetics books HELPED greatly) They started to reasonate with me. I did things to enable a better mindset. I spoke to the right people. I avoided things that don\'t benefit me and I got rid of bad influences. I took myself away to focus of my mental, emotional, physical and spititual health. I set boundaries. I set more goals. I stayed up most nights until 5 in the morning working on myself and finally finishing my psychology degree ( something I believe also helped me to understand myself ) I started to believe in myself. I found HOPE once again. Hope is EVERTHING. I thought - If I have been able to control body for 2 decades , then I can surely control my mind. And so I did. I became my own boss. My own healer. My own hero. And NO it was NOT easy. It was one of the most difficult , excruciating, exhausting and testing things I\'ve ever done. It\'s easy to back out and let fear take over.. please DON\'T. Recovery is WORTH IT and with health you will realise this. Recovery is also a rollercoaster . But I rode the rollercoaster . I still do. To wake up every day and be consistent, determined and focused and fight for my life. TO LIVE. To not be swayed or triggered or pulled back. It takes so much inner strength to do that. I used / use my inner strength which had always been there, just lost in the chaos.
Now 2022 has gone and here we are on Jan 1st 2023 - After all that hard work which is still ongoing as I still have a good bit to go to be the absolute best version of myself, comfortable and in control of my forever changing body and it\'s health.. to be a WOMAN ( and I feel myself getting there each day. When negative thoughts comes I deal with them properly and rise above them ) I have gainned the weight I ALWAYS have needed , from being under 4 stone, by MYSELF and with my own plan to get to a safe stable weight and health.. I stuck to the routine and diet that worked for me. I\'m still sticking to it as consistency is imperative. Pretty sure I\'ve DOUBLED my weight now. And for that I have even amazed myself. My whole mindset has changed. My attitude towards life and people has changed for the better. I am in control of my mind, my emotions , my illness.. probably properly for the first time in my life. My bloods and organ function are better than they\'ve ever been. (And 4 of them have failed, 1 more than once ) I can do things I could not do at the start or middle of year. As simple as lift a kettle or go outside and visit my beautiful nephew. At the start of the year I never thought I\'d see outdoors again unless it was in a body bag. Such awful thinking . The thoughts of someone unwell and unhealthy. Which brings me to - everything we believe we become. With a healthier mindset I can also say that even when you feel like your life is over or too difficult and you want to give up. DON\'T. Life is precious. Life is beautiful. Life is also hard and full of obstacles, tests and pain.. but it\'s up to you and only you to tackle every hurdle that comes your way and grow to be whomever you want to be. Why just exist when you can LIVE.
I\'ve headed and I\'m still heading in the right direction and for me that is the greatest achievement. I\'m not perfect and never will be and that\'s okay. I wake up every day and it is MY choice whether I\'m going to have a bad day or a good day. And I choose GOOD. Yes ofcorse we can\'t always control what happens in this crazy beautiful world but we can choose how we react and how we let things effect us. Take your power. I\'ve taken mine. And I really hope my story.. not just this year , but my whole life story of trauma, abuse, ill health, pain and setbacks can maybe inspire someone out there who is struggling to keep afloat. You\'re not alone. I see you. I hear you. I understand you. You are on this Earth for a reason and you add light to the world , please don\'t thow that away in the darkness.
The only way out it through. You are capable of so much more than you believe or have been conditioned to think.
I am forever grateful for my family , my animals , my friends and every person who has shown me kindness. Kindness matters. Kindness goes such a long way. kindness can save a life. And it\'s completely FREE. Accept kindness. Be kind .
As I said .. i\'m not completely healed or where I aspire to be. Everyday I still fight an illness and work on myself to be the best version of myself I can be, for my health, to be in control of my illness, emotions and changes, strengthen myself and grow, and I will and must continue to get up every day with a positive mental attitude , great determination and strength and do so. As I know one day I will REACH everything in which I want to achieve. It\'s already happening. I\'m attracting such wonderful things and opportunities into my life.
Granny Cathy I told you I would do it, for YOU and for me and I hope wherever you are, you are looking down on me with pride. ♡
As 2023 arrives rememember you are your own author of your life.I wish you all happiness, health and harmony.
Ps. 2023 you gonna see me 😉