“Your heart isn’t here anymore”
There the statement hangs
I hear them say it
as I glance away
barely breaking eye contact
My heart has never been here
buried in the soil of my family farm
rooted in this place of mistrust and misuse
It was never watered and nurtured
in this place
but rather flooded and packed
Hardened like the bricks
every dentists office seems to be made of .
They see my mind wander off
assuming that it is thoughts of the future
which has taken my focus
But it’s not
The future is blurry
like my sight has become
And like my sight , with my future
I’m not sure what is wrong
Where the illness started
How it came to be
And why it perpetually grows
My voice is caught in my throat
I don’t want to be stuck living
what people assume is my dream life
I don’t even have a dream life
Just a harsh reality most times
I have no illusions that life will be better
A marriage a family to start
A fresh place to call home
Will it be home
Or will I stare at the ceiling at night
Waiting for something in my life to come
Waiting for change
Waking up in the morning and not wanting to be
Just . To be .
Always chasing a fulfillment that can never be reached
I clear my throat .
“ Yes . I do probably seem distracted “ I laugh it off and continue to make small talk