Busy
To do list:
I haven’t done that yet. I probably should.
Haven’t done that either. I know I should.
I had one of those- completely forgot about it.
I’ll do it after the math.
What good is working out if it only makes me sore?
I should do it anyway.
Don’t want to get fat.
Forgot to do that again.
No big deal, I’ll eat a big dinner. Missing one meal won’t hurt me, right?
She must be worried; we haven’t talked in a while.
I wonder if they miss me.
I didn’t finish my homework; I don’t have the time.
I’m too busy for this too.
Why am I so busy?
I haven’t talked to them in a while.
Hope they’re doing okay.
I don’t have the time.
Too busy.
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Working out
I got up this morning to work out
The ache of my mind
Waking up far to early
It was unpleasant at first
I have to do this
I’m not just doing this because I want to
I’m not crazy like someone I know
I have to do this
Otherwise, what I’m working towards will be all for nothing
I can do this
I got up again this morning
It was easier than before
The ache of my muscles kept me bed ridden for the weekend
But I managed to get up again
Maybe I can do this
The workout was easier than last time,
My muscles don’t ache as much
The energizing state I’m left in is rewarding
I didn’t think I would get this far
I’m actually doing this
What a pleasant surprise.
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Dependence
What am I doing?
Looking at a screen?
The clock said 10pm the last time I checked.
Is it really 2 in the morning?
Might as well stay up.
When was the last time I spoke to them?
Did I remember to text him back
Does she think I’m ignoring her?
Better like their post.
What was I doing again?
It’s not even that entertaining.
The dopamine hit is only temporary.
Like a drug addiction,
Something I can’t put down.
Though I want to, deeply.
I can’t look away.
Someone take it away from me.
It’s power is too alluring.
I’ve been trained to follow its demands.
Those damn notifications.
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Depths of a Puddle
I feel like it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
Why can’t I have the passion you have? You love what you do.
Everyone found their perfect pair. Their self-actualization. Their meaning.
And someone above was lazy, saying “This is close enough.”
Everyone says they feel like this too,
But I don’t believe them.
Look at their face while they paint, research, play music.
Their face lights up, brighter than star I’ve ever seen.
Am I supposed to feel like that?
Should I have something that fills me with passion and happiness like that?
It feels like mine are mediocre hobbies,
Like my deepest interests are no different than the hobby you picked up “just cuz”.
Am I supposed to feel like this?
Drowning in a sea? This doesn’t feel like a sea…
A lake? A pond? A puddle.
It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.
Probably just a puddle.
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Excuses
I’m sorry.
I had slept in that morning
Forgot to fall asleep that night.
Dark circles resting
Like bags of sand holding my eyes open
To see your disappointed faces
Sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night.
I’m sorry.
I forget to check my messages
Which I often ignore by choice.
or was this one of the times
I did it by accident?
I often can’t tell.
Sorry. I left my phone on silent.
I’m sorry.
I hurt you, didn’t I?
I didn’t mean to I swear
I forgot you feel it too.
I don’t have a reason this time
Sorry.
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Girl’s Best Friend
I miss my dog
I miss his barks
The scratches at the back door
The whines at the window
I miss the sounds he made
I miss my dog
I miss his presence
The boney yet soft frame of his body
His comforting warmth
I miss his hugs if you can call them that
I miss my dog
I miss his love
The unwavering loyalty he gave me
The endless affection he provided
I miss his unconditional love
It reminds me that other love is conditional.
Makes me miss him more.
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Unknown
You scare me.
Your consuming presence fills me with terror
Your eternal existence sends shivers down my back
Your childish games make me pull my hair out
Your bright presence fills me with warmth
Your warm body is comforting
Your beautiful appearance makes me flustered
Your wonderfulness makes me self-conscious
Your kind words make that disappear
Your feelings fill my blood with anxiety
Your reassurance quells the worry in my vanes
You’re everything.
You still scare me.
That feeling of unsureness.
Not knowing what is to come.
That scares me,
Not you.
It scares me, not you.
Never you.
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Transitions
I never thought that the seasons would impact me so.
How the colors of the leaves shift
Green, yellow, orange, red.
Then falling
Down,
Down,
Down,
Resting on solid earth.
The tree it came from sprouted from it too.
How the naked trees sit silently through the winter
Covered in freezing snow and ice
Their loving tones muffled by the thick blanket
Resting their voices for the warmth of spring
Then suddenly, albeit slowly
A burst of color erupts from the ground
The flowers loudly motivating the trees to refresh their wardrobe
And dress their branches with new budding leaves
Now stepping foot here, I miss those things more than I thought,
The transitions of the seasons.
They made the transition here more noticeable.
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Not Alone
I’m not alone, am I?
There are people in every corner,
Their peering eyes don’t feel so intrusive anymore
The supportive hands of my dad on my left shoulder
The loving tears of my mom falling onto the right one
The warm gazes of the people I love
My brothers, my sisters, my grandparents,
Aunts, uncles, friends, teachers.
I can feel their presence
Even from across the country
I’m not alone.
Never truly alone.
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Mindfullness
Do you think birds know their songs are beautiful?
We hear them every morning,
Walking to class, hair still rustled from sleep.
Sleep we were enjoying just 5 minutes prior.
Maybe they sound annoying in those moments,
But they are beautiful none the less.
Do you think your parents know you miss them?
Do you miss them?
I think you might, to some degree. I miss mine.
My dad’s stupid jokes, always making me laugh,
The loving embrace of my mom’s arms,
Her cooking…
I probably miss that the most.
Do you think your friends hate you?
I hope mine don’t.
Sometimes I think they might, my mind overtakes me.
Putting words in their mouths.
Words they would never say.
I don’t want them to hate me.
I don’t think they do.
My mind just gets crowded sometimes with these thoughts.
Do you think it will ever be quiet?
I don’t think so,
Maybe when I die it will be
The noises just collect
Even with no thought there is a white noise in the background
Never quite silent.
I’ve gotten used to it. That noise.
At this point,
Silence might be more terrifying