Is it because I lied?
Am I trying to convince myself that
this ridiculous thing is true or
is it actually true and I’m just
trying to convince myself it’s some ridiculous thing
When did this happen to me?
Or has it always been there and
I’ve just done such a
good job of covering it up
or faking it or lying to myself or
everyone else
Or
This could go on forever. This
seemingly
never ending cycle or spiral of
questions and stresses and
what-ifs and why
nots
But how long will forever be?
Sometimes I forget forever can be
however long or however short
I want it to be
So why don’t I believe what I said?
It could all be so simple to just
choose
to believe that I said the truth
What I see
What others of value see should
be all I need but the
chaos is calming and I like calming because
I am just way too tired to fight
forever
So I settle in for the cycle
For the spiral for the
chaos
That ensues and I’m
calm
and content but really
I’m in chaos
Craving everything I shouldn’t
in life and in love and knowing that I
give in so much just makes me
crave more
of the chaos and the calm because
I know it and it
feels good and I am the one who should
make myself feel good. Right?
So why don’t I believe what I said?
Because the good is funny in the way it
comes about it
stops you in your tracks and
makes you stop the cycle so you can finally
focus on how do I
get better
And when this happens
you see that
the chaos is just that.
chaos
and it is not calm and I am
not content
but instead I am settling
for an existence I
didn’t create myself
But I myself create
the ability to make beautiful this
existence
An existence with
more beauty
and less chaos.
calm
content
and believing what I said