Tired of being in pain.
So I hurt myself.
It\'s not the pain you think.
So I cause myself physical pain.
Pain. Pain. Pain.
The only thing I can ever feel.
The thing I can only think about.
Emotional pain is too much.
I need something other than this.
I become a strange child.
Taking risks that I never took before.
Saying that I want to die.
Do I really want to die?
No, I don\'t.
I am just tired of pain.
I cry out steadily asking for help.
But It seems like nobody is picking up the vibes.
If I had love would it still be Lonely.
I was alone and nobody had to show me.
I keep my feelings in from people.
Don\'t tell them in person.
Only online or in paper.
I wonder if I hit escape would I go to hell.
Moses would say who is going to see and go tell.
I don\'t want to die.
I just want to feel okay.
I don\'t want to feel like I am a shitty person.
I don\'t want to be fucked up.
I don\'t want to fucking be alone.
I just want to be loved.
Every night when I go to bed, I dream of a family.
I long for a family that I never had.
Longing to be loved that I could never be.
Escaping fucking foster care from 7 years.
Just go to a family.
Never be given up on again.
I promise if I have a family
I wouldn\'t be a disappointment.
I just want to be loved.
Have a family that I could call my own.
Have a family I could love that I never had.
But, Now i only feel pain.
I feel pain when I think of family.
I feel pain when I think about my dead cousin.
I feel pain when I think of my dad who abandoned me.
I feel pain when I think of my mom who rejected me.
I feel pain when I see everybody living a happy life.
Nobody will ever feel the way I feel.
Nobody will ever feel the pain I feel.
Nobody will ever feel abandoned like I feel.
Nobody will ever have to feel the sorrow I feel.
Nobody will ever have to live the way I do.
Everybody has perfect lives.
They can always be happy.
They will never feel pain.
So, pain is the only way out of this.
So, locking my knee in place when I jump of a tire.
Landing hard on it.
Now, if I put pressure on it.
I feel unbearable pain.
Feels good but not at the same time.