It\'s incredible how much damage a person can do
Especially the one who seemed to care the most
The only person you could trust
But i didn\'t think i was being manipulated
I was such a strong person
I wouldn\'t let anyone manipulate me
But funny how when i realized that you did
I was so devastated
And i don\'t think that that\'s the correct word to describe what i felt
But you didn\'t care
You went on for years
You told me that having sex with you was a form of true love
But i didn\'t think things through
And you knew that i wouldn\'t cus i was 7
You didn\'t give a damn about the damage you would do
And every opportunity… you would lay me in bed
You would do your thing
And i couldn\'t complain
You would do it every day for 15 min or an 1 hour or more
And i was tired, exhausted
I couldn\'t keep up to your expectations
Or at least that\'s what I thought
I now realize that i actually liked those moments
All the times you touched me i felt something
It was something like never before
But that was just my body
My mind was filled with smoke
And i hate that i felt like that
And i hate you for making me like that
And you continued
Even when you got sick you continued
Even when you were in the frickin hospital you did it to me
It wasn\'t until you had a fucking tube in your throat to breathe that you couldn\'t do anything
But even then i could see your eyes staring vigorously at me
I knew that look of pleasure
…
And then you died
And i think that is what made me go from being mad to enraged
Because you didn\'t have to pay the price
Mostly because i never had the courage to say anything
And because most of all… i cried
I cried the day you died
I cried when I was at your funeral
And a couple of months after i still cried at night
Sobbing into my pillow
And to think that i was missing the one person who destroyed my soul
That was and is enraging
That was wrong
But 5 years of your manipulation was still lingering
But at some point, my mind started to clear
I started to understand why i felt certain ways
Why i cared or thought that i cared in the first place
And i realized that you were the reason of all my problem
You were the reason i made terrible mistakes
You were the reason i am sad
Depressed
Anxious
Enraged
You are the reason i feel all the bad things any human being can feel
But I\'m still quiet
I havent learned my lesson
I keep things to myself
I never express what i feel to anyone
But maybe that\'s because i learned to never trust anyone anymore
And i keep everything inside locked up in a vault of Steel
And at some point, i feel like i can\'t handle it anymore
I feel like I\'m going to explode
But then i hold myself together
I paste a smile on my face
I make a show of being okay
Of being happier than ever
But this ain\'t true
That\'s why when people ask me how i feel i say I\'m good
But no one could ever guess that i was abused
Or that i hurt myself
Or that i cry myself to sleep
That is if i can sleep
Or that if i cry i hurt myself because i can\'t show weakness even though no one\'s around
But you did that to me
You made me hurt and agonize
And maybe time will tell
If i should let life\'s shit make me let go
Or if i should keep on with life
But i don\'t know
Because i can\'t keep going anymore
And I\'m sorry if this made you cry
Or if this is too long
But this is my reality
This is my life