Drifting gently into surrender of my earthly demise, I feel every beat of my heart slowing and falling faint. My arms and legs have no weight as if they weren’t there at all. I call out to you in desperation, only no sound leaves my dried lonely lips.
A breeze flows through the room as if there was a gust of wind from the window, only the window is not open. It hasn’t been in months. Dust lies still upon the window sill, collecting along with the fading remainder of hope I have for feeling your touch again as my breathing staggers.
My body is cold, my sight is fading, I close my eyes for the last time. I understand what is coming but I only wish I wasn’t alone, I only wish I had you.
All I have are memories left, but memories only those of guilt and shame and fear that I never forgave myself for so long ago. Instead of living within each moment I had with you when I could have been doing nothing more than loving you, I was too worried about mistakes that meant nothing and what terrors await me for when I was alone.
Now here I am, alone until the end. The terrors never came, just silence and the absence of love that I lived through in fear when I lost you so many years ago.
My inner light is fading, and as I fail, memories of you flow through my mind as if the most beautiful film of two halves of one souls that finally found each other, met, loved, then the other half of my flame faded into nothing. The other half of me was no longer around. And now you are the only thought in my decaying mind as my breathing slows.
Although I was entirely convinced that my mind, body, and soul were entirely numb, a gentle touch of my hand that of which seconds ago was cold as ice causes a warm wave of peace that flows through my body and fills my heart in nostalgia- the flame of the other half of my soul, that I lost so very long ago. I can feel the beat of your heart within your invisible hand, warm, familiar, so much entirely stronger than mine. Though I do not have the strength to open my eyes, tears stream down my cheeks because I know it’s you. A final kiss upon my cold lips gives me the surrender and peace I needed to fade into nothingness and let’s me know I’m not alone in these last seconds of my earthly existence.
I never lived in the moments I had while you were alive with me, but this final kiss fills me with all the love my worry kept me from feeling all that time long ago.
Thank you for coming back to me in this last moment, bringing me peace, you were taken from me so very long ago, and I missed you so terribly every moment with agony in my heart and longing in my soul for it’s other half.
But now, I know as the light of my life dims, you had never left me, and with my last breath, I smile, at least I think I do. I know I have you again, until the end of time, until the next time around.
But darling, we could always wait to jump into a new life of lessons and heartache and earthly existence for awhile. I wouldn’t mind just being gusts of wind with you indefinitely, flowing freely, finally living in the moment with you, loving you indefinitely.
Only now, not living, just around.