I am most lonely when I am with people without a purpose.
Without a goal.
When I realise that the connection was never more than transient.
I envy people that turn moments into friendships.
I sit alone. In the shade. In the breeze.
Away from others because I am too tired to people.
Too tired to reach into the depth and put another mask on and try to connect.
I’m tired of the masks, but they do not come off. They are always on. Welded to my face.
To my soul.
I am alone. I am lonely. But I don’t know how to bridge the gap to friendship.
From friendly, to friend.
Who would I call in an emergency?
My ex, who betrayed my trust and violated my consent for years?
My kindly upstairs neighbour?
My work colleagues? My almost-friends - the moms of my kids\' friends?
My old friends that I never see?
Who would I trust to be there when I broke?
To help when I need it most?
No-one.
That is so god damn sad.
I know that there are a lot of people whom I could call and who would come. Who would help.
But none who will check to see how I’m doing on a regular basis.
None who will invite me out, invite me over.
None who I would trust to see beneath the mask and stay.
Trust issues. I have them. And I have let people reinforce them.
And then I brick the walls up further.
I am so damaged.
And I didn’t realise how deep the damage went, until I tried to trust again.
And through neglect and carelessness was cast back into the void.
The abyss stares back. It tells me not to trust. To be alone is to be safer. To be predictable.
But life is unpredictable. And wanting to control it, wanting have an impact on how people feel about me, wanting to be safe, does not get me there.
I am tired. I am sad. I am so damn alone. I know there is a bridge nearby. But I don’t know how to get there