dearest,
i never hated you.
i really tried, the angels can contest.
how i beat you black and blue,
how i used your voice until it was hoarse,
how i used your mind to give until it couldn’t anymore.
yet you never hated me.
there is something beautiful about you,
something mesmerizing about your tragic song.
the one that you’d sing to yourself in the dead of night,
after the useless, one-sided fights.
you’d end up bruised,
cradling your wounds while your chest shook,
but you never spoke a word,
you never reveled in your pain.
you’d simply hum,
a tune that you’d heard before.
a dumb thing that a person that no longer loves you,
sang to you long ago.
you’d try to remember,
the reasons why you have to go on.
there is a bitterness on your tongue when you realize there is none.
that there is no reason for you to stay.
that everyone has moved on past you,
and you have stayed stuck in the past.
darling, you never experienced life.
you never had a role here.
you never experienced true love,
you never experienced the thrill of flight,
you never experienced passion unless you gave yourself up for it.
it wasn’t your fault, that i can contest.
the only wrongs you committed was not recognizing it soon enough.
that your body may still be going,
but your mind is far gone.
this is a poem dedicated to you and myself, love.
you, my body, and i, my soul.
finally in sync, finally in control.
finally knowing that it is time to go.
i never hated you,
that i now know.
but you, my dear, suffered for it.
i repent, i am truly sorry.
even though it’s not from the heart.
i’m not sorry for the suffering,
but i am forever remorseful,
for not putting an end to it from the start.
dearest me, and whomever it may concern,
this is a final goodbye.
this is the last cheer at the stadium,
this is a dancer’s last ball,
this is a dog’s last bark,
this is the eagle’s last flight,
this is my resignation from this shit hole of a life.
there is no tragedy behind this letter,
as i cannot blame anyone but myself.
the only lamenting being what could’ve been,
what i should’ve done,
and what wish for in another life.
i never hated you,
my only sin being i loved you too much.
this is my apology, to you
before i turn off the lights.
before i sing my last tune,
before the mockingbird takes its last flight.
love,
- R.K.