I stood in the shower fighting the urge to sit down.
So, I stood.
Running my chores on autopilot.
And my mind is on airplane mode.
Failing to construct a phrase with thousands of words running, jumping in puddles of grey matter.
I couldn’t form a phrase.
I couldn’t express.
How is it to be me, and no one else.
You never listen, you don’t understand.
All you hear is I am I am I am I am.
and you can’t understand.
That I am not.
Failed to pursue my objections.
To all your intentions.
And what grabs your attention.
I failed to consume from my feelings a frown.
As I fight the urge to sit down and let the water drain.
Drain as I unzipped my forearms.
Drain in fluids of forbidden wine.
A form of action that makes it hurts to feel good.
Impossible to smile.
Allergic to crying.
And I wouldn’t let my hope die.
Cause I am I am I am I am.
You just don’t understand.
How it hurts to have to pretend.
and I am not I am not I am not.
I am not the version of what they thought.
I could be loud I have opinions and I can be mean.
But it wasn’t because I was unseen.
It wasn’t the fact that I am empty of glee.
It wasn’t the fact that I could never be free.
It’s only that I am I am I am.
Unable to understand.
too unstable to pretend.
I am I am I am I am.
Spaced every now and then.
Away from aware of self.
I am I am I am I am.
What they fear to be blamed for.
What they are afraid of.
but from all these speculations.
And empty words of promise.
I am not and will never be.
Anything but honest.